Lots of words little thought

I'm in hiding...

2007-02-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

Im in hiding, or I guess I could call it upstairs confinement. Whatever you want to call it there is one reason behind it. My huge pantry downstairs that is stocked with yummy crunchy snacky carbs. I am not even hungry but I have gotten in the horrid habit of grabing a handful or snacky crap every night before bed, only I grab one then half hour later go and grab another. The pantry is like Pandoras box for me. It is awful! It wouldn't even really matter what I purged out of their because I would find SOMETHING to fill the need. Yes it would be better if I filled it with string cheese instead of graham crackers or pretzels, or cereal, or (well I guess you get my point) So as of today I have grounded myself to the upstairs. I have NO need to step foot on the first floor of my house. None at all. Gosh this is going to be a long night!

That all being said I have hit a new low on the scale. I am now 9 lbs away from Les' weight. Single digits baby! I haven't weighed less than him EVER in the whole 14 years that we have been together. I have never even been this close to his weight I don't think! This is such a huge goal for me and I will be screaming from the roof tops and Arlie & Dee just may hear me all the way down Under because it will be just that amazing. I seem to think a little self sabotage of hitting a goal so huge could do with my crunchy carb fettish that I got going on now. It could also be the stress of trying to get everything to fall into place with the store. Whatever it is I just want to be past this phase.

I am on a pretty good workout kick right now. Really loving my weight workouts and trying to build some muscle. I am up to 6 pushups ON MY TOES in a row. Hoping to just keep adding to that number.

The store has mini crisis that cause mini heart attacks just about every hour on the hour. I am trying really hard to learn to take it all in and just get action plans about what things I can control or have an influence in the outcome and leaving the rest to fall where it may. Patience is something that I wish I had more of at this point. I also got my picture done for the brochure. It is something that I definitely wouldn't have done pre WLS. It feels good to have that confidence in myself to put it out there and really represent us! I am trying to figure out how to attach a PDF format file to the blog and I haven't figured it out and don't have a scanner (well I have a scanner but no cable!)

I can share the picture that we used though...
All of the background is cut out and we are just placed against the brochure background. It turned out very cute!

The first day of the rest of my life (job wise)

2007-02-19T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow will be the first day that I start working for me and me only. Friday was my last work day. I spent the weekend almost in vacation mode. It was a 3-day weekend and we had out of town family so it just felt relaxing. I still went into the store and did business stuff at night but Les was home and so were all of the kids and it just didn't feel real yet.
I already have my day planner filled with tons of To-dos and am trying to figure out how to schedule my day to be efficient. It is quite mind blowing. I am sure at the end of the day tomorrow I will be wondering what the hell I did with my day but hopefully not.

Shopping

2007-02-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

I tried on clothes yesterday and today. It looks like I am comfortably in a size 12. I can fit into a size large. All the larges that I tried on fit perfectly. The weirdest part of the shopping, Everything fit. It was more a matter of finding something that I liked and really liked on me than finding something that just fit well. I think before it was almost always just finding something that fit well. I mean I put a lot of thought into it BUT there were times when it was more about finding something that fit me well than something that I truely liked. I would buy something just because it fit!

This time I shopped in two separate trips to the mall and didn't get anything until the 4th store. I only bought it because I LOVED it. This was such an awesome feeling. With the business, we wear uniform, and the lack of money I won't be doing much shopping any time soon but it was a fun experience. Maybe I will just go clothes trying on instead of shopping.

All that said, I am really worried about the girls. I don't think they are going to last through this whole weight loss thing. They are already really showing signs of stress. The skin basically wrinkle like a Sharpei puppy and I have to make sure that they are arranged just right if I have anything on that shows any cleavage. Shopping for a bra is no fun either. I can do pushups for my arms and squats for my rear but what do ya do for sagging deflated girls??

I don't want to end on that note so instead. I will dream of shoes that I need to get to match my smashing dress for the wedding! Pics to come soon.

It's over

2007-02-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

My career with the big corporate company is over. Almost 12 years and I am done with the company. It is so bittersweet. I can't even really put my head around it or put it into words properly. I had a very small cute send off. One of the guys that I have worked with on and off over my whole time with the company got me a cake and the group got me a few small gifts. It felt good to be loved a bit. I was a little worried because it didn't seem like anyone was going to do anything at all.

The steady paycheck has left the house. I probably won't be bringing in money into the household for at least 6 months if then. That thought makes my stomach drop. We have looked at the budget and we can do it but it is going to be TIGHT. Me taking this opportunity is taking our comfort out of the family and that is really hard to deal with but I am trying.

With the long weekend the finality of not going to work won't really hit me until Tuesday when I am getting the boys ready for school and Les goes off to work and then I come home and it is just me. I have some errands to run for the store but I don't have a whole days worth of work that I need to do yet so it is going to be weird. I won't have a real routine until at least the second week in March. We don't start training our employees until Feb 25 so in the meantime it is going to just be fly by the seat with no real schedule. That is a really odd thought. The only time constraints I have are dropping the kids off to school and picking them up. So from 9:00-2:00 my day is my own to schedule and do what I see as important. If I don't do I have only myself to answer to. Well my partner Jenn and Les too but still. That thought needs to sit for a second because it makes my head hurt, lol.

Checking in

2007-02-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

Well I don't think I have anything amazing to share but I figured it would be good for me to pause and spill for a moment so here I am.

We have our staff hired. OMG that is such a weird thought.

I am gonna be the boss of some peoples.

Let that one sink in for a bit.

Actually I am only taking responsibility for the pantry staff. My partner is taking on the majority of the rest.

So far everything is on schedule. After the millions of push outs it seems like things might be falling into place. Over budget but falling into place. I can't think or talk money because it makes my insides hurt.

I have 7 days left of work. It started to feel real and now it isn't so much anymore. May 1995 was when I was hired. That is a hella long time. I still question every day whether I am cut out to work for myself. I haven't put my heart into a job in so long. It will be weird to really be that invested into something again. I was like that before I had kids and then I shifted all of my focus onto them. I still haven't gotten my head all the way around the fact that my family life is going to go on the back burner for a bit here. It kind of goes against everything that feels right but I it should be for a small time. I can juggle priorities for a bit here. For the first time since the kids have gone to pre-school I will actually be the main person dropping them off in the morning. That will be such a huge adjustment. That was one thing that I was very selfish with. I only had to get me ready in the morning. Les did all the kids stuff. He is SOO ready to hand off that responsibility for a bit. He will probably have bed times to himself but he helps with that already so that won't really be that much of a change.

I found out that I have to figure out a way to hydrate better for first thing in the morning hard workouts. REally right now the only one that I do big and first thing is on Sunday morning. I had started to run but I was getting a light headed pain right in between my eyes. It faded when I drank water but every time I picked the pace back up for more than a few minutes it would come back. I am attributing it water. My pouch is really tight in the mornings so I can't just down my water. So no more waking up and heading straight out. I am going to nurse water for at least 30 minutes and probably get in a protein shake as well and see how that goes. My body did not like not having fuel and water. Funny body.

Even though I am introducing running again I am really trying to focus on building lean muscle mass. I really am starting to feel like I have lost quite a bit of muscle with my overall weight loss. I don't want to be thin and flabby so it is time to pump the iron :D

Right now I am doing that with FIRM complete body sculpting. I think i will add some just plain circuit training as well. I may have loose skin but that doesn't mean it can't be rock solid beneath that. I have seen the difference between people that have loose skin and no muscle mass and people that have muscle mass and loose skinn. I take the muscle with the skin thank you very much!

Oh and also I am totally loosing my ass. That is a hard pill to swallow. I have always been quite bootylicous and it is almost flat now. If I flex it gets some shape back so that is my hope is to make it look like it does when I flex. I wonder if that is possible??

14s are starting to get loose. I definitely can't get two wears out of any of my pants. Even though I only wear them to work for about 6hrs total they get so stretched out I have to wash them to get their shape ba ck and not have it look like I have a load in my pants. And thus make my ass look even worse.

Woohoo moment. This weekend I rocked a very cute Roxy Tee in XL. That is jrs sizing thankyouverymuch!

My goal is to get fully into a 12 for the wedding that we have coming up in March. I have to find a dress I am thinking I will do black because it is a younger crowd and at night.

Something along these lineshttp://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2911192/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=1

OK that is enough rambling for somebody with nothing to say ;)

procrastination is a beautiful thing...

2007-02-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

Well I have two weeks left of work. I have gotten quite a few emails with official business that needs to be taken care of before my resignation date. I think each time I get one or any time any ones mentions it, it knocks me on my ass. So what have I done today? Absolutely nothing!

I can’t focus. I can’t find any motivation. I think it has more to do with just being dumbstruck more than anything else.
I was nutts to do a whole life transition like this being this new post-op but things happen for a reason and I really believe that good things are about to happen. I also have a real feeling that I am about to have the hardest couple of months of my life ahead of me here shortly and I think I am getting kind of close to being frozen with fear. I have started grazing and I know it is just my coping skills trying to re-root themselves.

I can’t continue to let that happen. It worries me SO heavily that I am having these problems already barely 6 months out. Don’t most people make it most of their first year before they start having these issues. Why do I always have to be the anomaly? I am thinking that the only way to combat this is to give myself lists and tasks of things that need to be accomplished otherwise I will be like I have the past few days and it hasn’t been good. Any time that wasn’t schedule was just spent navel gazing online or staring blankly at the television. NOT what I need to be doing. It is my equivalent of sticking my head in the sand.

So for starters as soon as I get home I am going to do start some laundry. Make a dreaded phone call to put in a $6000 order. Then after the boys get home I am going to do my FIRM total body sculpting video. There is nothing like the feeling of incredibly sore muscles to give you a feeling of accomplishing something.
We interviewed about half of our candidates and will do the remaining 4 or so interviews on Saturday. After that hopefully we will have all the gaps in the schedule filled and can focus on training schedules and small wares purchases. You would think shopping would be fun but in the dollar amounts that we have to spend it is anything but.

bad choices, hidden thoughts

2007-01-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

Well today I kinda fell flat on my face food wise.

Sometimes bad food choices are just about bad habits that are not dying out easily. BUT sometimes it is more about using food for something else or trying to hide feelings. I think today might have been more about feelings and crap.

Thoughts that have been floating around in my head....

My face looks weird. I don't have any pictures of myself with my face as thin as it is now. It is like my face took a jump start with the weight loss and the rest of me still needs to catch up. I have weighed this weight before. I have pictures of it. My face didn't look like this though. It is hard to get used to looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. Even if the changes are good.

I have been getting more attention from men. It weirds me out. Even heavier I got attention but now it feels just a bit different. I don't know if I am just overthinking every glance and smile now or what but it is just a weird place to be in. I don't have a wedding ring right now because I lost it but I think I need to buy a costume jewelry one or maybe just get "TAKEN" stamped on my forehead and then at least I will know that I didn't invite any of the attention :P

The business stuff is hard. WE interviewed two people today. Both of these woman are probably more qualified to run the business let alone just work for us. BUT we are the ones putting our lives on hold and we are the ones putting the risk. They just want a little extra money so they can still be fulltime moms at home. It is just weird interveiwing someone that was a history professor to work for me two nights a week. Just weird.

Work sucks more and more the closer I get to it being my last day. I guess that is just normal though.

I should head to bed soon because I have a date with myself and the DVD player tomorrow morning. I think I have come to the realization that unless I have NOTHING going on in the afternoon evening time that I will not get my workout in and I am missing too many. I in a fight against gravity and I don't stand a chance unless I am working out every day!

Attack of the killer broccoli

2007-01-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

In hind sight and talking with another WLSerI can see now it was probably the broccoli

At the start of the day yesterday I noticed that I was having some slight intestinal cramping after my breakfast (2 hard boiled egg whites) I didn't think anything of it. Just chalked it up to needing to normal pouch moodiness. I pounded the water all day until lunch and I had some turkey chili (a norm for me) and a couple of bites of mixed greens, in an absent minded move at the salad bar I put a brocoli floret on my plate. Almost immediately after lunch I started cramping again. I figured it was my stomach revolting against the brocoli, because really it wasn't a smart choice.
Now it is early evening and I am feeling fine for the most part. I have some banana with pb and my tummy is grumblin but not painful at all. I think I am good to go for dinner so when Les comes home and wants to go out we go. I order some shrimp and it seems a little spicy but ok. I made it through what would be a normal dinner size for me (about 4 shrimp) and the cramping starts again. Oh boy. Only this time I can't stand up straight because it hurts so bad. Les drove home and I ran upstairs hoping that if I could get the food out that it might help. No luck, surgery has made me unable to puke, no matter how hard I try. So I am just curled up in a ball in pain. Les helped me to my bed and just laid there in pain and in and out of sleep for about 2 hrs. I woke up and thought that I was feeling better because perfectly still I couldn't feel any pain. But as soon as I moved it came back. It was a long night for sure. For a bit I was worried about my appendix or gallstones but I am thinking the pain is probably food and pouch related.I am working from home today just because I have no clue what the day has in store for me. I am afraid of food today.
I am thinking of doing an all clear fluids days. Mostly because my body is making whispers with just water going down. I have no clue what could have triggered this but oh boy! I am ready to be better for sure! I am thinking a day of clear fluids followed by a day of liquids (starting to bring protein shakes in)and then maybe a day of soft foods that I know are safe for my pouch??

So far today I have had broth, tea, watered down propel Food scares me in a bad way right now. I learned my lesson for sure.

Mental plateau

2007-01-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

Excerpt from my post in the 'hood

I think my brain may be in a plateau. My weight loss has slowed WAY down, I lost 6 lbs in the last month and I am only 6 months out from surgery. I have gone down about half a pant size as well though so really if I hadn’t had WLS I would have no worries. The thing is I think that the cause of the stall is all my own doing, almost self sabotage. I think that I may be a little too comfortable at this weight. I haven’t been at a comfortable weight in such a long time that I think my brain subconsciously put the breaks on. All of the sudden all of the clothes that I have held onto for all of those years fit and are starting to get big, I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin and BAM I stop trying. Its ridiculous. I am not really worried about the weight loss part of all it right now but I do realize that this complacency is just plain scary. How did I get it so quickly and how do I turn it around now. I haven’t earned complacency. I don’t have my habits firmly ingrained. Healthy doesn’t just happen for me, I have to fight for it and hopefully one day it will come easy but right now I need my fight back. BUT already for me the fight has changed. I am no longer in a danger zone for blood pressure, cholesterol, and I don’t have the aches and pains. I always said that I knew that I would always have to fight with my weight and my issues and the WLS surgery would just be a tool so I could fight from a winning stance. Well I guess pretty quickly I have gotten to the other side and instead of fighting to achieve health I have to fight to keep it.With that being said, now I just need to figure out how. I feel like I need to just to spill all the habits that I have started lately and work from there. I actually ate a whole bagel today and it wasn’t even toasted. I wish I wasn’t able to tolerate doughy carbs. Early out from surgery I couldn’t. The bagel has sure stayed with me all day long but it didn’t cause anyproblems. I am still in shock that over the course of about 30 minutes I was able to eat the whole thing. I have let carbs sneak into my life for sure. I think that maybe going to strictly 3 meals a day and cutting out the white stuff may be the answer because my meals are solid it is any other time of the day that I stick food in my mouth that I get into trouble. I protein first all of my meals but it is the nibble here and there or the “snack” that turns into eating until I am uncomfortable that I need to break. I think part of what has made it hard to break the habits that have started is because the scale hasn’t stopped moving. I am averaging a little over 1lb per week and in the past that would be good. Why is it that I need a consequence in order to stop. Actually who is to say that even a consequence would break the habit. It surely didn’t on the way up! My biggest habit that has crept back in is my “end of the day” transition
eating. When I get home from my part time job and have the kids and change gears it has always been a big trigger for me to eat. Not to mention I am giving the
kids snacks and need to be down there waiting for them to finish so we can get homework started right away. I know it is a problem but I don’t know the best way to fix. Is it not to eat at that time or is it to eat something planned at that time. I guess I will have to play with it but I need to set up myself a rule. My indecisiveness over what the rule is, is causing me to excuse myself into bad behaviors. I keep bouncing all over the place trying to decide the perfect plan of action. I have spent so much time thinking about how to change it and no time actually making any changes. I can’t think and plan my way to goal. I need to take some action. I definitely didn’t think the fear and uncertainty about food plans and the right path to take would come back so quickly but I guess it really doesn’t matter when it happens just that I do something about it now.

The rest of the night went well though. I didn't eat when I got home. (My biggest trigger time) I only ate dinner and then I was done. I had steak with celery and carrots with 2 Tb of rice. It was great to get in some pretty dry protein and just let it sit in my pouch. I can still feel the fullness and I think I have been missing that lately.
I also did the FIRM Total body muscle workout. I am starting to feel sore already. I have an appt with myself for early tomorrow morning to workout. I am going to make sure that I look at each day in detail the night before and schedule a time to work out. I think I need to go for no missed days. My off days will be light walking or Yoga. No amount of soreness is too much to just go out for a short walk. I may need a reminder of that when I can't pull myself up the stairs tomorrow morning :P

some celebrations that I have hit. I lost 70 lbs, I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Almost to my pre-pregnancy size. Most 14s fit good to loose. I have lost 10 inches in my hips alone. I only have 15 more lbs until I weigh less than Les. I have found a weight related thing that will help keep me motivated over the next month. Les has a close friend that is getting married in March and we will have to drive out (about 3 hrs) and stay the night. Les and I haven't done an overnight in over a year so that will be a big date night. I will have to find a great dress and frilly things for that. Fun shopping to be had.

On a non WLS front. We are doing a big group informational session tomorrow with some applicants for the store. Instead of interviewing everysingle person that might fit we are going to do a little thing to let people know what we are about, what we expect, what the jobs entails and possible schedules and then if people are excited and still interested we will set up interviews at that time. A day filled to the brim for sure and it is going to be important that I pre-plan it because I have my workout at 6:30, pictures for christian's basketball game, at 8:00, game at 9:00, buy a gift for a birthday party that is at 12:30 and leave the kids and Les at the party at 1:15 so I can head down to the store and set up for our session. It kinda makes my head spin a little bit when I think about it but Sunday has no plans for me. Just Les going golfing and some grocery shopping.

I have a blog?

2007-01-23T22:52:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, I guess I should get in here and start purging my brain a little.

The business is 5 weeks from opening! We are scheduled for our first business day on March 6th. We did our first interview today for a kitchen supervisor and we fell in love with her. Now we just need to check references and figure out how to set up her offer. I still can't believe that we are going to be bosses.

Training went well in Utah. It was the longest 9 days that I can ever remember. It went really well but I wouldn't want to do it again.
I put in my resignation at my current job. Just 3 months short of 12 years. I still am in shock over it. My last day will be February 16th then that next week we will be organizing the store and then starting training.

Money is scaring that crap out of me right now. We are pretty over budget and my partner has already put in a lot more than I have so for anything else that comes up it has to come out of my pocket. The pockets are pretty empty though. Every time I try to get my brain around where we are financially it makes me want to crawl into the pantry and hide in the fetal position.

Weight wise I am at a scary place as well. The hunger is back and the carb munchies are alive and well. The size of my pouch keeps me from doing too much damage but I have to start living by my rules otherwise I am just getting habits that are going to lead to regain.

I have officially lost 70 lbs. I am starting to love working out again. Still don't have the stamina that I wish that I did but it is coming back.

Oh and I am freezing all the time. That has gotten REALLY hard to get used to. I used to break a sweat just walking from my car parking lot to the oddice and now I can't leave the house without gloves and a jacket.

I am sure there is more but for now I just wanted to give a heads up.

Now if I could get down to why I am stress nibbling that would be good....

One thing at a time I guess.

2 weeks!!

2006-12-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

How the hell did that happen??

Well talk about getting wrapped up in the everyday of life and not taking care of the inside stuff. Actually I have been a little slack on the outside stuff as well. I think it may be two weeks since I last worked out as well. I mean unless you count cleaning and scrubbing the house for my Christmas party a workout...

I am doing good overall. Things are starting to go a bit smoother with the business stuff. The contractor says that they are still on schedule to be done building on January 29 and then that week we would do training and final touches and have our grand opening on Feb 7th!! Talk about exciting, overwhelming.

I finally got IN to see my therapist yesterday. Talking in person is SO much better than doing it over the phone. But over the phone is better than nothing. I so very much need her help working on the inside stuff. I didn't get my insides re-routed to not work on the insides and still end up back were I was because I know if I wasn't working on this "stuff" I would go back to the old me in a flash, even with the surgery. My big lightbulb moment was in the thought that when I see pictures of mhyself at this weight I actually feel like I look like me. The range that I am in now is a familiar one still. I look like the me that I am portraying to the world and the one captured in pictures is the real me. We didn't talk about what happens when I shrink past this stage and start not feeling like I look like "me" anymore but it was good to really get my brain around that. I can look at pics at my highest weight and I can see glimmers of my light but I can't see the me that I am inside my head. I think Les sees that too. He is getting the wife he married back. Yes, body wise, but more than that my inner self shows through when I am not consumed with all things food. This is the gift that surgery has given me.

Pics of my boys at Christmas to be posted here**** when I get upstairs to download them :)

Weekly update

2006-12-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

OK so where do I start.....

Home~ The boys are doing well. Christian is loving basketball. Les is getting used to coaching. It isn't stressing him out as much as it was. He really needs a louder voice though, lol. They boys have to actually pay attention and listen. I still don't have the house all the way decorated. One tree down, one to go. I still need to do the stair rail too. I have most of my Christmas shopping done. I got some wrapping done. We cleaned out the garage. For the party I am going to have the kids do crafts that I will have set up outside in the garage. I still haven't figured out the menu. I am thinking that I am going to cater a little more than usual.

Work~ I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is getting stressful. I am getting a new boss. The guy is new to the company. We have a database conversion to go through and it is getting implemented the second of January. That means I will still be there. I am thinking that I will put my notice in after I get back from training. Training is from Jan 4-13. I am thinking that I will put in a 2 week notice and then if they will let me working 20 hrs for 3 additional weeks. If they will let me otherwise I don't think that I would be able do both the business and 5 days a week at QC. My biggest decision right now is how to work for as long as possible without losing my mind

The business~ They have knocked down walls and pulled up all the flooring. It is actually starting to look like progress. We are about two weeks away from the final permits. Maybe we could actually stay on track. That would be amazing. We haven't funded the loan yet. I will be singing praises for sure once the loan is good to go. That should be withing the next two weeks.

Body~ I am pretty much stuck at my current weight. Clothes are a loose 16 but not in a 14 yet. I really need to get on a good track with my workouts. My sanity and body both depend on it

Mind~ I am going to therapy tomorrow. I haven't been into a session for a long time. I have been doing them over the phone because my schedule has been so crazy. I will probably get a little more out of a one on one session. I have noticed some fears and old habits starting to creep back and I need to make sure that I am taking care of mind healing during this crazy time in my life so I am trying to stay on top of that.

pics updated

2006-11-27T10:18:00.000-08:00

Well I took pics and if you have a flickr account let me know and I will share them with ya!
I have them on there as friends only because they aren't flattering and in bra and chonies. Full coverage for both but still. I have other pics from previous weight loss' but it looks like my computer ate the official start pics.

Holiday was good. I am up to my eyeballs in Christmas decorations and I walked the 5K first thing Thanksgiving morning. Can't think of a better place to be mentally. Oh and the scale is being nice to me again. I guess it is easy to be confident when that little number is showing your efforts and it does help that I slipped into some hand me down size 14 LB stretch jeans. Still in my Old Navy stretch 16s perfectly so I am not owning the size drop yet but I am eyeing it for sure. The check up with the dr went well. He seemed genuinely pleased with my progress. That was a good feeling. I mean he sees shrinking people on a daily basis but there was something about the realness in his eyes when he complimented me that stuck with me.

188.5 for those keeping count at home.

Oh AND we are meeting with the contractor on Wednesday to sign a contract for tenant improvements. The 8 weeks countdown to opening is about to commence!

BAD day, loosing the girls, self induced stress

2006-11-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

Hmph, it is really weird I can honestly say that my definition of a bad day is so different post op.

In numbers it came out to
1436 cals
61 fat
142 carbs
88 protein

Minus the fat I would have considered that a rocking day before.

Not so much anymore. The calories really add up when you don't watch them.

Also I can't blame my current scale stall on a plateau until I have proven it so.

So today is all about protein first (I always do that anyways), no white stuff, no snacking and getting my water in. Oh and I will bust my ass on my FIRM video

In other news...

My skin is really starting to freak me the fuck out! OK I am going to try to explain this but I don't know if I will be able to do it justice. When the girls aren't hoisted up in a very supportive bra if I pinch the lax skin, the skin doesn't automatically bounce back. It kind of holds the fold of the pinch for a bit. Oh wow. I knew to expect the ass sag and the apron and I knew that I might even have to work the hell out of my legs to make up for thigh skin but I just wasn't expecting the girls to start to have such issues this early out. They have always been one of my best body shape features. That is going to be hard to give up. Thank God for good bras. Oh and I went bra shopping. That was a horrid experience. All of the brands are different on sizing but worse than that the sizes fit different within the same brand depending on the style. I can deal with the different brand but in the same brand I should wear the same size. I can understand clothing being a PITA but I should have a bra size I can depend on and not have to bring 9 of them with me in the room and walk out with nothing. Right now I am finding my old LB bras are my fave but I am in a 36 C. I think that is their smallest size. What happens when I shrink out of those!?!?!

I have decided to have a Christmas party. Mostly friends and some family. I might as well check myself into the mental hospital now. I am feeling all of the perfectionist and over-planning coming out of every pore of my body. I have been talking about the menu to anyone who will listen for over a week now. PLUS there is the house to decorate, the crafts to plan for the kids, AND the cocktails menu to plan. Oh did I mention that I am probably going to get in trouble for overspending on it as well. Oh and I planned it on Les' birthday that way we could knock out two celebrations at once. We will see how it goes.

Because I know that yall can't handle the suspense here is the menu so far.

I am doing a pseudo souplantation.

Udon soup, sushi, wontons

chili, cornbread, mini red baked potatoes and fixins

Enchilada soup, quesadillas, tortillas, and garnishes

Chicken noodle soup, garlic cheese biscuits, crackers

then a garden salad and caesar salad.

I will have some snackie type foods as well.

This is the plan so far. It may change by the end of the day though...
I really should just cater...

quick and to the point?

2006-11-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

Never...
Hilly got me thinking. So I will write way more than she ever wanted to read as a response to her question and I will try to figure out what I really think.

Maybe the good thing about cravings and the WLS is that you CAN have what you are craving but just a bite or so???

This is so true. I have given in to some of my cravings and because of WLS I can eat one fun sized candy bar even when there is a whole mountain more. I literally lacked the ability to "just have one" I could also even just have a little bit of pizza. Like part of a piece. I was more of a 3-4 piece eater and I would keep eating until I felt sick. Well I still do that. The only thing is I get sick a whole lot faster. Or I stop quicker because I know when the sick factor will kick in.

That is how the tool works even when I don't work it.

So even if I don't treat my body well I won't gain (at least not yet)

Before, if I fully gave into a craving it would result in a 3 lbs gain that took 3 weeks to work off and then I would beat myself into self hate and submission to be fat forever.

I think I start to worry about all the feelings and thoughts associated with giving into my cravings. I have so much negative tied into that. I think mostly because I haven't had an off switch in the past so I get a kind of "letting the fload gate go" feeling. Then also I know that most people don't start "testing the waters" this early out. The majority of people live behind the fear for a lot longer than I have. That starts to worry me. My head start to spin.

"Should I be the perfect patient for longer than this?"
"There are people that didn't lay a hand on sugar or fats for over a year out"
"Is this just a sign that I won't be able to control myself later?"
"Am I indulging in a little splurge or am I trying to work around my pouch"

So this is kinda where my head was when I wrote yesterday. I feel like I NEED to make sure that I am getting the habits of taking care of myself and treating myself in order and in place now. That way I am working it to my BEST advantage. Doing this will get me ALL the way to goal. I can be healthy AND fit. I don't have a want to be skinny. I think I could get skinny with WLS eating like crap and just letting the pouch be the only thing that dictated my success*.
I have read about people who do that. I don't want to be one of those people and who knows what I would end up like when it was all said and done. I could end up even higher than when I started.
If I work my program and follow my rules I won't have room or not much at all for the cravings and I probably won't have as many cravings.

One huge factor of why I had WLS was the "can't just have one" and then also it has given me faith in myself. Seeing the small success really builds on itself. It gives me the momentum to really believe and trust myself. When I was feeling hopeless, it gave me hope.

Hmm, I think I got all my thoughts on this one out. Thanks for triggering the brain dump Hilly :D

*I would compare that to people who do WW and live of processed 1 and 2 pts foods the whole time. Yeah you can get to goal eating FF chips and sf gummy bears but where will that leave you. If you work your program and get in your milks, healthy fats, fruits and veggies you don't have much room (points) left over for the other stuff.

Me & Food

2006-11-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

I am having to re-establish my relationship with food. I wasn't really prepared for it. I thought it would be a longer until I had to do it. I am actually quite shocked and a little bit put off that it is happening so quickly BUT, I have to remember that WLS is a tool not magic.

I am wanting food more and wanting to nibble more and am thinking about food more. I still can't eat huge quantities but I want it and I crave it. It feels like the easy part is over and I am going to have start working my tool for reals now. Why did it come back so fast. If I thought about that long enough that could scare that shit out of me.
I have my 3 month checkup on Wednesday. I would LOVE to be in the 180s for that appt. I am anxious to see what Dr W has to say about my progress so far. I am going to make sure I am getting great workouts between then and now as well so I can honestly say that I am working out :P

Scaleinched a little bit 191.5. I didn't get in enough water today though so I bet it will pop back up tomorrow. Scale doesn't like it when I don't drink enough. Be nice to me tomorrow scale. Please :)

Romaine is bad!

2006-11-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well today I had to turn the car around in traffic because I just wasn't sure that my tummy would make it the rest of the 45minutes I had left until I got into work. And really who wants to spend a bathroom trip like that in a community bathroom. So today I am working from home.

I know exactly what did it. I ate a caesar salad. It seemed like a good idea at the time. The two days before for lunch I ate a cobb salad. Or I ate two bites of cobby type protein and nibbled on some lettuce. Well the caesar didn't quite turn out like that. The chicken on the salad was WAY dry and I couldn't, didn't want to get it down on its own so I ate two to three bites of salad for every bite of chicken. My tummy has let me know this morning that, that was a VERY bad decision. Thats about all I have to say about that.

Scale wise. It is stuck. It was really about time. So far I think I am taking it pretty well. It is stuck at 192.5 which is 55lbs down. I am OK with that. Even though while stuck in the bathroom the thought that "this whole problem" might make the scale move. Yes, I am mental. BUT that had already been determined.

Workout wise. I think I am working my way into balance. I figured out that I view exercise as a treat. Kind of like reading a good book or taking a bubble bath. I only like to do it when I can fully enjoy it. That is why I have a hard time just fitting something in. I am working on that mentality. I mean it isn't necessarily a bad thought BUT it does keep me from getting in as much as I could. I also got the FIRM set
from a cousin. She wasn't using it any longer and handed it off to me. It was like an early Christmas present. Boy does that workout make every single muscle in my body ache! It was a nice change. I also got WAY more sweaty than I have recently in my workouts so that felt awesome as well.

Business, still baby stepping. Still stuck at work. Still sucking!

boys wise, Les had his first night of coaching Christian's basketball team. He did so awesome. WOW is it hot to watch your man out there being a man/daddy/coach. THAT is the man I married and he is a keeper for sure :D

I am throwing a bit Christmas party on Les' birthday. So far 30 people has RSVPd (that includes kiddies) and there are at least 10 more that I know will come. Yeah, I did just invite chaos into my life but it will bring me joy so that makes it worth it right???

Pausing for some balance

2006-11-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

The thought of having a happy medium seems to foriegn to me. I crave it like you wouldn't believe but have no clue of how to even start to try to acheive it.

I have spent the last week on overdrive trying to be my best at everything I did. It started with cleaning the house for the appraisal and then a challenge to myself to keep up the kitchen, not a dish in the sink and all the counters clear. What it turned into is feeling like I have used up every ounce of energy just going on auto-pilot and not pausing to be. My problem is when I pause it turns into a total stall. Just so you don't think I am being hard on myself. A stall is me sitting in front of the computer or television not cleaning up the dinner dishes, letting the bedtime routine fall WAY behind schedule and basically just being a lump on a log.

The thing is, since surgery it is like I crave the pause, and it seems like an ok idea if you can do it in moderation, but once I start I can't unpause and it turns into a stall and I can't get the momentum up to start moving again. When I awoke this morning the first thing I thought of was the fact that we didn't have homework to do tonight and tomorrow wouldn't be a school day so I could get a nap in! I slept for 8 straight hours and the first thing on my mind when I awoke was how to plan a nap! That just doesn't seem right.

I am so frustrated right now. I want to be the mom/employee/friend/person that I was earlier in the week and over the weekend. I want to be her all the time. Or at least most of the time. Instead it seems likeIi can only be her when I put every effort and energy into it. So I swing up and sail high and then when I loose momentum and I fall flat on my face and wallow until it comes back. It isn't a good place to be. If I could find a medium. A cruise control! Boy that just sounds amazing. So right now I am fighting the fact that I am starting to feel the wind leave my sails. I am frustrated that I can't maintain. I want to find my norm. My medium. I just don't even know where to begin.

Maybe a nap and then clean the kitchen and do the laundry so I am caught up come weekend. It sounds easy doesn't it.

Quick celebration

2006-11-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

I am officially halfway to my goal!! Woot Woot!! I have lost 54 lbs. I have 53.5 more to go to get to goal. I know the second half of this trip is going to be so much harder than the first half. I feel like know is the time to dig in my heels and really make things happen! Very exciting.

So far...
I have gone from a size 20 (VERY tight) to a perfect 16
I have lost 6 inches from my waist. 6.75 from my hips and 6.5 from my chest.
I feel fantastic! I can't wait to get my blood results back to have even more proof of my success.

Work outs so far 6 out of the 7 days in November. 3 days in a row so far :)

Rockin along

2006-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

Things going well in my neck of the woods. I spent the evening watching Cars The movie with the boys and then getting in a good walk. The afternoon was kicked off by a wonderful parent teacher conference with Leo's Teacher. She just re-affirmed what we already knew about how fantastic of a kid he is. He is already at end of year level for the majority of categories. It is so cool to not worry about that.

Life is good

Deflated balloon

2006-11-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

My motivation in my present moment is that when I get to my goal weight I don't want to look like a deflated balloon. I may not be able to do much about the girls, but all the other areas of my body are able to be toned and firmed and I am determined to make sure that I have the best body possible. I am not going to go from fat/fat to skinny/fat. That just isn't an option for me.
Yet another reason for the 30/30. Which I had to re-start. I had a bitchy pouch evening on Friday and I just couldn't force myself to do it. I beat myself up over it for awhile and then got over myself and decided to start over. I don't know if my re-start prize will be as good as the original but I will reward myself and the determination is there.

So as of yesterday I have worked out 4 of the 5 days of November. Yesterday was hills. I have noticed that my legs have slimmed down but they seem so mushy and dough-ey. The only thing I could think of to compare is how my stomach looked/felt after I had the kids. I couldn't get that sensation out of my head so that drove me to 50 minutes of walking hills. Funny how a visual can drive ya, lol.
Today is arm weights and a bit of cardio.

To be perfectly honest I have this fear of working out really hard and having it stall my weight loss. I can't seem to get it out of my head. BUT I am just coming to the fact that stalled weight loss is OK if I have a rock hard body, lol. My shoulders have even gotten smaller. I don't mind the thought of muscular shoulders. I did my hula video and my arms were sore from holding them up for 30 minutes. That is SO NOT OK in my book. So I am going to focus on having guns that are jelously inducing ;)

Oh and I have been food flirting. I need to reign that in. I guess it is one way of proving my pouch is working but we don't even need to go there. I realized that I needed more food than just eating 3 times a day with nothing else could give me. I lose better when I add some natural pb or other bites but I need to get those bites in the right places. The perfect place would be another protein shake but I can't wrap my stubborn brain around that. For now what feels good is a half of apple and a string cheese or pb. What also works but isn't ok is a few pretzels or nibbles of the boys snack. That is dangerous territory and we don't even want to tread near the perimeter of that one.

Oh and it is official at my place of employment it takes 53.5lbs of weight loss for the first person to say anything, lol.

30 days to make a habit

2006-11-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

So they say that it takes 30 days to form a habit. Well I have a habit that I NEED to form. It is called excersize. The thing is I haven't been able to find any really good motivation. I get about 3-4 days a week of light walking and throw in a couple of light weight days but that is as far as it has gone. PLUS in the past I have always shot for under a everyday type of goal. I always have great excuses. The kids are like a built in excuse in themselves. So I am chalenging myself for a no excuses month.
I needed to make the reward really good. I haven't figured out what the reward will be.

I have figured out the rules though. 30 minutes for 30 days no excuses or exceptions. The prize will be given guilt free and it will be extravagant :) I am thinking a Coach purse or spending too much on shoes. I will set aside the money from Les' bonus :D and I will ONLY get this item if I meet my goal. No excuses. If it means I am walking at 10 at night with a limp it doesn't matter as long as I get it done.

I need some intensity back and I think this is a good way to do it.
I will report on my progress.

Milestones

2006-10-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

I have hit a big one.

The most lbs lost in any diet attempt. I am now down 50 lbs. The most previous to this is 45 lbs.

I am officially under 200lbs (197.5) to be exact!

The first person that didn't know about my surgery complimented me. It was my esthitician. She was floored. I hadn't been to see her in WAY too long. I had catepillars growing on multiple locations on my face.
I didn't tell her about the surgery. I wasn't sure if I would or not but it just didn't feel like a disclose it all moment. I didn't lie. Just didn't out myself.

So, I have now lost 50lbs and NOBODY that didn't know about the surgery has noticed the lost.

I was thinking and I think the biggest reason is I make it very strong attempt to not ever wear clothes that don't fit me properly. The moment I wear clothes that are lose or baggy is when my family "notices" a new loss. I really think they are just reacting to the looseness in my clothes. So by wearing clothes that fit properly I don't draw attention to the fact that I am loosing. That is what I am going with for now.

checkin in

2006-10-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

Lets see were to start.
The business is threatening to actually move forward any minute. We seem to always be about 10 weeks away from opening. It is a floating/moving target that is ALWAYS 10 weeks away. WE have had to come up with an extra huge chunk of money and we still haven't totally figured out where it is all coming from. It is a costant source of stress and worry.

Work is crazy right now. I have decided to really put my best foot forward there because doing the less than minimum was leaving a bad impression of me so even though I really don't want to be there. I also really don't know when I am leaving so I need to leave a good reputation behind. This means thought that I have to work from home and also have to put extra hours and it actually brings me stress. Work used to not really affect me that much and now I have almost nightly conversations about it. They actually offered me a huge opportunity if I were to stay and increase my hours to 40 but I don't want my kids in daycare. PLUS there is the business. That was just today in my review. That was almost shocking because I think it would end up being about a 20,000$ a year increase. In the business I will be making less and working harder but still I want it more because there will be passion. I haven't had that in ages.

The boys are doing great. It is hard having them both in school on seperate schedules. PLUS two sets of homework. Keeping on top of it is not my forte but I am working on it. They are loving soccer. That is just about over and then Christian will do basketball. I really need to get the boys outside more though. That is one thing that I really need to work on.

I am doing good. Emotionally overwhelmed. Having the cushion of food taken away from you has me feeling like the world's volume got turned up a few hundred notches. It has me reacting to things that I never really did in the past. That is hard to get used to. That person that I am without food. I don't always like her. She can be whiney and definitely doesn't have te patience that I am used to. I am working with a therapist on this. I am trying so hard to stay in my head and deal with my "issues" as they come up.

Weight wise I am at a platuae just under 200. 199.5 to be exact. I am OK with this plateua though because I was losing so fast before. It is about time for a little pause. PLUS the majority of my clothes fit me right now. It feels good to be in a 16 bottom and a misses XL top. I did a huge closet clean out. OMGOODness. I can't believe how much I have gotten rid of already. Once I am out of this size I will have basically nothing left. I have a lot of clothes that fit me right now as so it makes getting dressed in the morning such a different experience than it was just weeks ago.

Thats my catch up for now

Best Friday the 13th Eva!

2006-10-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

Why you say?

It is my little monkey's birthday today! What a better way to enjoy a day that is supposed to be back luck. Phshay! I will have none of that.

This little person just knows how to bring a smile to your face. It is almost impossible to be mad at him or give him a punishment because he always will distract you with a silly stunt. PLUS any little guy that loves to do the Robot and break out into breakin' style handstands, you just gotta love!

Where I am now

2006-10-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am in a somewhat familiar place right now.

Eventhough I have already lost over 40 lbs I am in the most familiar weight and body image spot. I fit in a majority of my clothes I feel like I know how much space I fill. Eventhough I still have so much more to go it is nice to be in a comfort zone.

I can't wait to break into new zones that is for sure!

Feelin less like A$$

2006-10-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah today I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday. Not every muscle in my body hurts and I have less of a drag to my step.

That is about the most sunshine you will get from me though. Me and food still have a hate/hate relationship going on. NOTHING sounds good or sits well right now. I got 3/4 of a string cheese down this morning about 3/4 of my protein shake. I even tried some graham cracker with pb. Not the most nutritious but it usually sits well. I didn't even get a square down before I gave it to the dog. I am going to try an egg when I get home. Eggs almost always sit well.

Oh and I have crotch sag going on. I spent the time ironing my cute white capris only time figure out as I walked down the stairs that I total crotch sag. It ruins the whole look I tell ya!

I was trying really hard to look cute to make up for feeling like ass and now it just looks like I am carrying around a load in the front of my pants. Time for these bad boys to go in the goodwill pile.

Excuse me while I whine

2006-10-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

OMG I want to feel better! I so feel like dirt right now. I am ready to get better and it is taking WAY too long.

Sunday night was a bad night and I have no idea what triggered it. I laid in bed most of the night moaning and trying to breath through the sharp pains in my chest. I started getting this weird heartburn type pain that just got sharper and sharper through out the night. Then broke out with a fever and the chills. I didn't eat anything new. I surely hadn't overeaten. I was having a hard time getting water down. The only thing that is making me think that maybe it was partly a stomach bug is because my son woke up throwing up last night. I got water and an egg down Monday and ate little nibbles at other things but EVERYthing felt like it was sitting wrong Monday afternoon I still have a fever and the aches but at least the pain is gone.
Today is Tuesday and I am still not feeling myself body aches and headache and lack of energy that is me. Oh and incredibly irritable. Thats me!! Oh and btw FOOD SUCKS!!! atkins "granola bar" nope not happening. VERY moist chicken out of a lean cuisine "blech"
My protein shake went down without too much effort. I wanted to not love food anymore but tolerating it would have been a nice place to settle!

Hmm gotta end on a brighter note...
The scale now says 204.5 Yes that is down 12 lbs from the speed bump of two weeks ago. BUT if ya want to tell me that I took the easy way out I might just have to kick you in your bum! (replace bum with something foul like ass, or ballsack whichever may be the case)

Cramps

2006-10-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah this months TOM is kicking my ass. I can't wait to be back on the ring so I don't have as much problem with this any more.
I am really hoping that I don't have to go to the OB/GYN again to get the cramps and all figured out again. I have had my fill of vaginal ultra sounds.

But really cramps shouldn't radiate all the way down your back and into your hips. They just shouldn't.

Good things about today. My 18W stretch jeans needed a belt. When I walked they sagged and looked like I was carrying a load. I am starting to think that I should keep the next size down in my closet at all times so I always have clothes to fit. I am pretty sure I have regular 18s jeans and black pants so I should be covered there but I am not sure about the 16s. Time to find some sales. Am I getting a little ahead of myself. YES! But still can't be over prepared!

not always an ass

2006-10-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

The scale is making up for being an ass before. I have lost 7lbs since my plateau 2 weeks ago. I am happy that there is movement again.

On the business front
Things are scary right now. My partner and I keep having to figure out how to make money come out of our asses. It is a talented skill I tell ya!

Work
The day to day job that I get paid for sucks right now. I have a really hard time putting my heart into it. But I am getting better with time. The timeline for the business is seeming so liquid right now it makes it a lot more important to care. I still wonder what in the world my review is going to look like though.

Family
Soccer season and birthday season are in full swing.
Soccer we have two games every Saturday and two practices a week. Les hates the fact that I volunteered for team mom for both the boys teams. He just feels like we work hard enough to get not enough done in the house why would I bring on more responsiblity. He does have a point there. Leo's birthday is next weekend. He is going to be the big 5. I have 35 kids invited to the party. That includes his whole class though. I am thinking that only about 10 will come from class so that puts us at 25 for the party. Thank god it isn't being held at myhouse.

Les and I
We are good. I have been so tired though. I have to force myself to stay up so we can have time together after the kids fall asleep. That is hard. I wish we had 30 minutes to ourselves without having to sacrifice sleep, lol.

health
I am starting to put the weights up again. I really do enjoy it, even if I do feel like a wimp right now. Ya gotta start somewhere. I have a goal to walk 10 miles this week. It is Wednesday and I haven't gotten a single mile in. I have worked out everyday though.

I am in my 18s now really well. That feels good.
I can mostly wear waist band clothes but they do get uncomfortable quickly.

That is the update from this end of the world.

7 week check up

2006-10-04T16:30:00.000-07:00

So it was supposed to be my 1 month check up but I had seen the doctor unexpectedly for the lost/found staple in my belly button so we pushed it out to 7 weeks.
This was actually done last Thursday....I had my bloodwork done and he did get a chance to look at it but we didn't discuss it at all. It totally slipped my mind. I had just gone to the therapist the day before and I had food and trusting my body on the brain...

BUT The biggest thing I wanted to talk about was the stupid stitch that was STILL hurting. Dr said that it can take up to 2 months for the stitch to fully disolve and in an extremely rare case the healing and scar tissue could be around nerves and could continue to cause problems. So, to narrow that one out I was given a game plan of doing ibuprofen liquid 200 mg every 3 hrs at night and using a heating pad to see if we can get the swelling to go down and promote some healing in the area. So far I think it may just be helping. I have only done it two nights but I can sleep on my side without holding onto a pillow for fear of my gutts popping out. Very good sign!

I asked him about food. How do I know I am getting the right amount, how to measure, how to feel. I talked about how with some foods I can eat more ie 1/2c, others I am stuffed with 1/4c. He basically said that I need to trust my body and really get in tune to what full feels like and not push it but know what it is and to go with that. That it is normal for some foods to go down easier and in larger quantity. I asked about doing 3 meals. He was fine with that. I asked about the protein qty. He said that now that I am no longer in the healing stages that I can go down to 50 grams a day. WOW that seemed low to me. I haven't made any dietary changes as of yet but I am not stressing if I am sitting just at 60. Before I was kinda shooting for high 70s.He was happy with everything. I only have to be on my meds for the bleeding for a month or two more.So on his scales (which matched mine exactly) I had lost 35lbs. The best part though. I was down 8% body fat!! woohoo for not losing too much muscle!My next appt is the end of November.

What food looks like right now

Breakfast
veggie breakfast patty
1 egg scrambled
sprinkle ff cheese

lunch
turkey burger patty
1 slice american ff cheese
sf bread and butter pickles

Dinner
banana w/ 2TB pb

1 chai tea latte protein shake

TBL

2006-09-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Can somebody PLEASE explain to me why the people on the biggest loser never have their clothes huge and falling off of them. I am sorry but when I lose 30 lbs my clothes start to not fit any more.

This is has always perplexed me.

That is all...

professional help

2006-09-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I went to my appt today. It was great. I really needed to get all of the emotions swirling around in my head out there on the table.

She thought that I looked great. Why is it so hard to take a compliment? I said thanks of course but in my head I kept thinking. "I have so much further to go" She also thought that my loss was great. Again I am thinking 34 lbs in a little under two months really isn't all that great considering that I had my gutts re-arranged. I don't know what it would take for me to be content though.

We talked a lot about how everything going on in my life but especially the surgery is giving me a crash course in patience. I am not a very patient person.

She also REALLY stressed that I need to trust my body. That I need to stop asking soo much of it. I need to be grateful for all that it is doing for me.
Really I need to let go some of the control that I wanted I guess. Definitely not my forte.

We talked about all of my frustrations and fears with this whole thing. She really feels like they are just emotions that I need to work through. I have obviously come up with some coping mechanisms so far because they are being forced. She thinks it is great how this operation has forced me to seperate the mental and physical hunger. It totally lets my body take care of the food part (because food is no longer a joy) and my head try to deal with the emotional hunger. REally it is easy to know that something is head hunger because really I just don't get hungry. In talking with everyone at livingafterWLS it is even more appearant that if I am hungry for carbs that isn't a body hunger and I need to really search what feelings are driving that.

Overall a really good session. Thanks again Jen for the kick in the pants. I have already made my next appointment.

She also gave me a copy of her book
Daily affirmations for compulsive eaters. I think this will really help me

Wishy Washy

2006-09-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Cardio bunny/ Leaning out and building muscle.

Which way to go?

I know that I look better at a higher weight if I got to that weight by lifting.

This is me at 221. I weigh less than that now and my arms don't look like that and my legs are bigger. I was working out with a personal training getting my ass kicked and barely putting in any cardio.

I also know that I enjoy getting a good weight session in.

BUT I have this fear of not getting down low enough of the scale because I am putting too much focus on muscle building.

I have read a lot. I can't get this fear out of my head. I want to lose body fat. I want to be strong. I don't want to be skinny fat. BUT the majority of WLS patience at goal didn't get there by pumping the weights from the beginning. My surgeon suggests 3 times a week. Just to do weights/resistance training to aide in loss of muscle.

I started reading the workout portion of body for life (again) last night and I was getting intrigued. Then I got scared that if I actually poured myself into a workout routine like that it might hinder the scale. I KNOW it is ass backwards to worry about the scale instead of health and aesthetics (I look better with muscle) but I can't get it out of my head. I am not going to let my lack of commitment to one plan keep me from working out. But the planning. It makes my head hurt.

Really all I should be worried about is getting a freaking 40 minute walk in every day and lifting lightly (because that is where I am) a couple of times a week but the driven part of me wants to be doing that because I am working towards a goal. Planning out a strategy and thinking about what that goal should be twists my stomach and turns things that I "think" I know all upside down and topsy turvy.

Yesterday I had a good upper body workout and mowed the lawn. I am going to be sore this evening because I just about went to failure on a couple of moves. Tonight. I am going for a long and med level cardio. Where does this having me heading? I have no clue.

I need some goals

2006-09-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I figured out I need some goals that are totally unrelated to the size of my ass or the number on the scale.

The first thing that popped into my head of course was workouts. I can totally control that. The second thing that I can totally control is my supplements. I can control food but being as food is kind of a non-issue right now I will leave that one.

Workouts.
I had a great walk with my kita last night. She is definitely starting to show her age (12) by the end of the walk but my pace doesn't over do it for her so she will be coming along with me for now. I got a 50 minutes walk in AND I took the hills. It felt good to get out there and not really have a time that I needed to be back. Lately I have been just barely fitting in the 25 minute walks and it felt good to just go.
Number one goal
Get up early on Saturday morning and get my walk done early. I used to get up every saturday morning to meet with a trainer at 6:30 I can get up and get out of the house for a walk at 6:30.
Number two
Get the weights started again. I started and then totally let it drop. Sunday will be weights day. I can do this at any time during the day and don't need the kids to be supervised while I do it so REALLY no excuses there.

I have gotten pretty good at getting my supplements in. Even the meds that I am on. I want to have a solid schedule though. Right now I have just been getting them in when I can and sometimes will miss my protein or calcium as I am gulping everything down in the evening that I missed earlier in the day. I can do better than that. I have to treat weekends a little different than weekday workday but I can get a schedule worked out for the both it will feel more succesful.

We will see what else I can come up with after my mtg with the therapist on Wednesday.

The scale gave up a pound. woohoo for me (enter sarcasm)

Beggars can't be choosers. I can't control the scale. I can control my increase in strength, my cardio health, my stress level, and my blood results so those are the things that I will focus on.

one more step

2006-09-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

I wore pants with a waist band. ALL DAY LONG! It looks like my internal stictch is starting to heal. The pants are a little higher waisted than the normal things in my closet and they are a little loose but I got to wear clothes that fit!!!

An awesome day!

The best so far

2006-09-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

I just had to put this out there. I have crossed over into the next level down of fatness (these levels only pertain to myself and are in my head) BUT
When I lay down in bed I can lay totally back and not feel suffocated by my chest. This was one of the scariest things for me. It was the first part of the step into what I considered scary-fat. I would lay down to sleep and feel the fat in my collar bone and neck rest up toward my neck. I had to prop myself with my pillows and put my arms over my head to get a full breat. It doesn't feel like that anymore!

the scale still sucks ass!

I am wearing pants with a non-elastic waist band. They are high waisted enough that they don't cut me at the internal stitch spot. I am still jonesing to wear a pair of jeans though! I haven't worn any since surgery! I used to live in jeans.

Oh and I am wearing a top that I bought that I thought would fit but never did. I have tried it on a million times but never wore it out of the house. I have so many clothes in my closet waiting to be re-discovered. I can't wait.

WAY too much TV

2006-09-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

Hilly got me thinking about the amount of television I am about to record to and try to find time to fit in and it got kinda scary!

Let me list it all out for you (and myself because I need to get the TIVO up to date)

The Amazing Race (My all time favorite that I am uncapable of watching truely live)
Greys Anatomy (I have tissues prepped for this and also CAN'T watch live. It makes me YELL at the TV" and if you love it as much as I do, you have to read this site
The office (I can't wait to see what happens after the Kiss)
How I met your mother (Oh so cute and sentimental, and dude NPH is on there AND Hilarious)
Dancing with the Stars (makes me want to be fit and shake my tail featha)
CSI (I can only watch this in the day or sitting pratically in Les' lap it freaks me out)
Project Runway (this is almost over thank goodness)
Men in trees (I loved the first two episodes!)
Scrubs (classic funny)
Happy Hour (I only watched the first one but it was LOL funny)
Til Death (So far so good)
Las Vegas (yummy eye candy boys!)
Ace of Cakes (makes me want talent)
Moons over Milford (ABC family show, I know puke, but you know you still love me :) )
The biggest Loser ( I love seeing the after bodies and trying to figure out how good you can get a once obese body)

Shows I plan on loving
Heroes
brothers and Sisters

Am I missing any?

Oh and yeah the scale still sucks A$$ It is almost funny

Pretty distraction

2006-09-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

I finally got a picture to post. Blogger really hasn't been cooperating with me lately. In this pic you will see the MOST beautiful flower girl that has ever held the position! My lovely niece Madysen. As her background I am there 1 month out D 21lbs.
I had to post something pretty because I am still riding the plateau here. I honestly have to tell myself multiple times through out the day that I am doing everything right and I just need to keep doing what I am doing and my body and the scale will eventually catch up. I am following the rules
Protein
Water
Excersize
No snacking
There isn't anything else to do. I will just keep on keeping on, and talking to myself.

I did it

2006-09-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

I made the appointment. It isn't until next week but at least I made it. It was such a hard phone call to make, but it is done and I feel a slight sense of relief knowing that it is done.
I know that the food issues aren't gone. They may be taking a slight vacation right now but they are still there and they need to be dealt with.

Thanks for the kick in the pants Jen ;)

Oh yeah and the scale hasn't moved yet. I am trying really hard to not let this bother me but COME ON! I have never really had an occassion where I was doing EVERYTHING right and the scale didn't budge. In the past I have always had something to blame it on. Something that I could fix. There is nothing left to fix and it sucks!
I am enjoying my walks right now. They are not yet at a sweat producing heart pounding pace BUT I am still learning to enjoy them. The Audio book and my IPOD are my savior right now. I am back up to 30 minutes as well! Go me!

Oh and my stomach is still swollen. Ugh I am really starting to look more and more pregnant as other parts of my body slim down and my stomach remains the same. It is quite the look I tell ya!

Can't end on that note though. Something fluffy and sunshiney to end with.....
Oh yeah!
Les has been awesome about lotioning my legs for me. I can't quite bend over well to do it properly so Les has taken the job of doing it for me and it is quite amazing.
The boys are good too :)

So far so good

2006-09-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

So I am on a plateau right now. It is quite shocking actually. I am only in my 6th week and I already have a plateau. It seems damn early for that. I have actually been stuck at a weight for 1 week! So any of you out there that are dieting the normal weigh and want to throw in the towel or just think that you can do this right just have faith. I mean if I can eat between 400-600 cals a day and average 60 grams of protein a day and under 20 grams of fat and not lose weight you know that plateaus are a real thing.
I am taking things with a grain of salt and I am trying to focus on the fact that I am getting smaller. Maybe the body and the scale don't move at the same time?

OK that is what I am going with. The scale won't move down at the same time that my body is shrinking. It might not be scientific fact but it works for me.

Therapy came to me

2006-09-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well my therapist called and left me a message yesterday. Should I take that as a sign that I need to get back in touch with her. This person is a body image, food relationship expert. That is the reason I went there. It is why I loved it so much.

The thing is I am wondering if it makes sense for me to spend the $30 on the appt and screwing my schedule all around if I can't even eat right now. I mean I eat but just barely. I don't have any food issues at the moment. BUT maybe I should work on what is coming? I guess it makes sense to work on the problem before it is causing damage. I mean that is what makes the most sense. One thing that I worry about is opposition to the way my surgeon sets everything up. I have to know rules. I have to not question them or waiver in my belief. What if she doesn't agree?

I guess I should just give her a call. I guess I am just really scared to start digging into things when they feel like they are OK. I like not questioning things. I like just being able to follow the rules and not doubt them. What if we open a can of worms? Then you can't get them back in...

I think I want to stay in "this" place a little longer. The one where I don't have food issues. The one where I don't really question how much I should eat, and what. I mean I question it a little bit but I also know that there is research and knowledge beyond me that shows that if I just keep doing what I am doing I will reach my goals. The little voice in the back of my head says that there is more than that though. It says that maybe we need to let the worms out now while we are on the way down that way once I get to goal I won't be caught off guard and not be able to maintain. Because really that is the hard part. This is the easy part.

Brushing the surface

2006-09-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I have noticed lately in my post have been surface only. I haven't dug into any deep emotions in a long time. It is weird. I don't know if I am avoiding or if things don't seem as bad when i am not taking life little upsets and then barrying myself with food over them, or what. BUT I kind of feel like there is more down there.

Everytime I sit down and try to figure out what that is time restraints or lifes distractions pull me away.

Maybe I should enjoy the mental hush for a little while. God, knows it can't last forever. They didn't give me a lobotomy so I am sure that there is a little hurricane that will show its wrath eventually.

In the meantime I will sit here in happy ignorant bliss.

on a more superficial note...
I really need to stop rocking the soccer mom wear (yoga pants and a V-neck Tee). This is getting old BUT I can't afford new clothes so maybe I should do some hair and make up faboo to make up for the lacking in my wardrobe. Being back at work next week should make a difference I would think.

Oh yeah I have decided to work from home for the rest of the week. I just don't see the point in killing myself to get into the office when I get more done this way and I am building my blood levels that takes rest, oh and the traffic bites ass as well.

Trying to find a norm

2006-09-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

I swear I can't seem to find what normal is any more.

I was never one to love drama in my life. I am more of a mundane and boring type of girl. Everyday life has enough pazzaz for me thank you very much.

So this whole WLS, kids starting school, soccer, starting a business, sucking at work is getting to be a bit much. I can't seem to find a schedule that works everything above, gives me time to recover, AND keeps my house in working order.

It has been really hard. I think that about sums it up really.

I am also starting to wonder if when asked about the surgery tomorrow at work (if anyone asks me) if I should just let the cat out of the bag. Especially when it is looking like I might be there a lot longer than initially planned.

In other news, I have lost 30 lbs and I have been told that my face looks thinner. Meanwhile I STILL can't wear any pants that button that I wore before surgery because of the pain it causes in my internal stitch.

I have a REALLY good excuse

2006-09-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

As you will read I have a REALLY good excuse for my lack of postings....

BUT first.

You know it is true love when the conversation goes like this.

M: Honey! Can you PLEASE come look at this?
L: Do I really have to?
M: Yes, I need you to tell me if this is blood or not.
L: Looking in the toilet from as far away as possible "yup thats blood babe"
M: I don't think that is good.

So Wednesday morning I woke up to very loose stool with blood in it. Dark blood but but none the less. I was basically passing blood clots instead of stool. Then I wasn't able to hold any water down and was dry heaving. Then came a little bit of blood in the vomit. and the light headedness. That is when I called my surgeon and really started to get worried.

My surgeon was out of country so his backup had me come into the ER. I wasn't allowed to drive myself so my mom came out of work and drove me to the ER. It was downtown and so icky there! The hospital was OK and the staff was great though.
I got there and they drew blood and hooked me up to IV fluids and Protonix (stomach acid inhibitor) I got a lovely endoscopy and they coterized a little spot that looked like that is where the blood was coming from. The spot was right near my stoma. After that I had to be admitted into the hospital overnight for observation and to watch my blood count. My blood count dropped more than either the gastro and bypass drs were comfortable with so the next day I got a blood transfusion and ANOTHER endoscopy. He wanted to make sure that he got everything. Oh and then I had to stay another night to make sure that my blood levels stayed stable. They did so I got to come home Friday afternoon.

I am feeling fine now. Missing food a little bit because I am back on liquids for yesterday and today and I of course didn't eat since Tuesday night. A scrambled egg is sounding mighty fine right now.

I have meds for the next month to make sure that the eroded spot heals fully and everything else is back to normal. It was a stressful ordeal. I feel so bad for Les to have to deal with me being in the hospital. I don't think I have ever been so happy to come home!

August results

2006-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

So August was a short month. Surgery day was on the 7th but it is easier to track things on the first of the month so here it goes, 25 days in...

lbs -23.5
losses in inches
bust -.75
underbust -2.5 (no wonder my bras fit so weird now)
waist -2
belly -.75 this is where all the swelling is still and makes me look preggers.
butt -2
thighs/hip -1
lower thigh -2.5
calf -.75

Harder than I thought

2006-09-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

That says it right there.

So far WLS has been harder than I thought. And not at all in the ways that I suspected it would be.

I prepared myself to have a really hard time with food and diegestion and gas and all of that stuff. I even expected to have some energy problems.

I didn't expect to be in this much pain still.

I am not handling this well anymore. It is really gets me and puts me in an off mood to know that I am STILL not able to take care of my family the way that I wanted. I know it is because of that damn stitch too. My energy lebels aren't even too much in the crapper. I know that if I wasn't in pain for such large parts of the day that I would be able to do more and want to do more.

Actually that is the hard part. I DO want to do more but every time I try I usually end up in pain. I just want to be able to clean my house.

This is very hard emotionally for me to deal with.

I wasn't expecting that. I WAS expecting to have a hard time dealing with the food changes and emotion that I would burry with food. I wasn't expecting this...

hyperventilating

2006-08-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

Well a month ago a problem like this would have driven me right to a fast food joint hoping to quiet my mind long enough to just get through the day. Now I am just typing and trying to call as many people as I can to get the freak out done with.

We got our bid back from the contractor.

It is 140,000$ more than what we had budgeted. Just to get perspective our budget was 95,000$. It is more than twice as much. Holy balls! What do I do with this?

My lovely business partner is out of the freaking country right now. Why couldn't this have happened while I was under anesthesia so she could deal with it.

I have made calls to get contacts from a secondary quote but really, do you think I can find somebody to do the job for half the price? Umm, excuse me while I go pull my hair out!

Right about now my dead end job where I work for 30 hrs and have no worries to bring home with me every afternoon is looking MIGHTY good!

On the good side. I can't eat over this :P I gotta find a silver lining right??

3 wks out

2006-08-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well that was actually yesterday but I forgot to post about it. I was down 22 lbs. Feeling good for the most part. I have only had one food experience that didn't go well. It was tuna with light mayo. The horrible intestinal pains the next morning is how I experienced the ick. Other than that I really haven't had too bad of a time. I am kinda sitting here waiting for the other foot to drop. The pain in my muscle stitch is wearing me thin though. It is such a sharp pain but I talked to the doctor today and they said it is pretty normal so nothing to do over it.

I told work that I would be there until November. There were pretty happy about that.

Leo starts school on Tuesday. I am not ready for that. I could totally use another year. All the responsibility of two in school I am just not ready.

OK that was a meaningless post but I am WAY tired so it will have to do...

Updated start pic

2006-08-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

So I have a "thing" against putting unflattering pics of myself out there for all the world to see. I do have a pretty and polished version of my start weight though so I thought I would share. I will do the normal all sides view in shape showing clothes and post those when i don't look like that anymore though. But for now...

Back to normal??

2006-08-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

OK so far so good. I am amazingly surprised at how non-nosey my co-workers are. I have chosen not to share my surgery because of the short time I have left at work. I just didn't feel like it was a good idea. I have told people (only two have asked) that I had gallbladder surgery. Which could have been what happen and the scars look the same, lol.

Now to figure out my wardrobe! Work clothes to be specific. I STILL can't wear anything with a true waist band. Everything has to be elastic and really lose or just really loose and sitting low. The muscle tightness/pain that I have when wearing anything in an appropiate fit is excruciating. I have a total of 4 bottoms found in my closet that will work and only one of them are things that can match with multiples so I am debating heavily whether or not to buy something. You can't really wear a white skirt with embroidery more than once in a week ya know? I could do black bottoms more than once though if I matched it with the right stuff. Along with that though a lot of my tops don't work with looser bottoms like that! One of these days I will be able to slide on a pair of jeans today. Right now they look like Chinese water torture. I know whatever I buy will only fit until I can wear something fitted but still I can't go bottomless. Oy! I think I might end up at Walmart this afternoon looking for something to make do. I am fortunate enough to have quite the wardrobe going all the way down to a size 16 (I am currently in a solid 20) and some 14s around so I guess a little bit of money spent now will be worth it. I really can't go around in my pajamas/yoga pants like I have been the last three weeks.

My energy level so far today has been OK. Now just wish me enough to last the day (my whole 6 hr shift, lol) and enough to still be able to do homework, soccer practice, and dinner when I get home.

It is nice to have something else to focus on besides the surgery and the business though. I can be grateful for that!

225.5 with no clothes though. I had been weighing in clothes because the scale was downstairs in the hallway due to laziness, lol. My start was 247.5 naked as well though.

change of plans

2006-08-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

Um, wow we just got out of our meeting today with our contractors and now it looks like we won't be able to open until the first week in December!! So much with being done with work in a couple of weeks. Looks like I need to start caring again. Oh and I won't be going to training in two weeks.

It is so weird to have everything change right under you. Also we are so broke right now, it is kind of scary how in debt we are getting. We aren't sure how to crawl out of it either.

On the WLS I lost a whole2.5 lbs this week. Aren't you so jealous! I am in week 3 of WLS and lost a whole 2.5 lbs *rolls eyes*

I think I tor a muscle or something in my lower abs. I originally hurt it when I was sleeping and turned without good muscle support while asleep. I woke up to a stabbing fierce pain. Since then there have been about 3 times that I have reached or bent down to pick something up and I have gotten the pain again. I think I will be making a call to the Dr. on Monday. It just seems that I shouldn't be having so much intense pain with movement. I have no incision pain any longer and that is where most of my pain was. So just the fact that I have a muscle that hurts worse now than it did 1 week out isn't good. This pain is also keeping me from wearing anything with a waist because it hurts SO bad to have anything across the muscle.

We have a wedding to go to tomorrow. I have a dress that I should be able to wear comfortably and still look nice even if everything decides to swell up.

I am having a little bit of a mental fight with myself trying to figure out my rules for eating. Just trying to really know when to say when, and not taking that last bite that makes me uncomfortable for about 30 minutes. I don't puke (or haven't yet) but I get this feeling in my throat like the food just doesn't have room to go down. I start to worry that that could cause my pouch to stretch, especially when you consider I don't puke. I seem to be able to tolerate a lot. I even had about an ounce of steak. I make a really tender stir fry and I was able to get about an ounce down. I took the tiniest of bites and chewed everything well and it didn't cause a single problem. It starts to make me wonder if maybe my pouch is too easy on me. Gosh I feel like it would be so easy for me to work around this bypass and I just don't want to do that! I am kinda shocked at how fast the doubt has come back. I need to just follow the rules and then i will be fine right?

Nothing new

2006-08-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well I only have one more week day off of work but I have to work on the business tomorrow so really, today is my last rest day. I really don't feel ready yet. I go back to work for two weeks and then fly out to Utah for a week for corp training. Then I also put my official notice in at work.

My world is getting ready to swirl out of control and I need to get as much of my head and routines together before things get out of hand.

The scale is starting to be kind again. Little baby steps downward is all I can ask for.

I pulled a muscle in my back/side/stomach while I was sleeping so I took yesterday off but I will be walking today doing as much of my resistance routine as my body is willing. I will not over do it though.

228.5

resistance

2006-08-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

I went for my 2 week post-op treatment yesterday and have been released to do resistance training. I am highly urged by the surgeon to start immediately, so trying to be a rule follower I started yesterday. Can I just say how completely hard it is to start out slowly! I have never been good at that. I am all about the "all or nothing" so sitting there with little 5 lb weights was really hard on my ego, lol. So now I am mentally trying to figure out where to go from here. I just have to keep up the slow and easy but why does that seem so hard?!?
Once I get the mental want to do this and do it right it is hard to slow that down and still have the enthusiasm. So here is my commitment to slow and easy for the week. 4 times whole body resistance with the program I did yesterday. No extra moves or additional weight. I can do this.

Its consistency not a one time all out and recover for weeks. (Said to self over and over again)

Oh and BTW the scale sucks major ass right now. I have been at basically the same weight for the past 5 days! I am eating less than 500 cals a day you would think that the scale would moe a little better than that! I am trying so hard to keep the faith but it is definitely being tested.

If I follow the rules this will work. It is guaranteed. There is nothing else that I have done that was basically guaranteed. There is no way that my body will hold onto this weight if I follow the rules.

Period, end of story.

Navel Gazing

2006-08-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was messing around with my belly button because the surgi-strips came off and I noticed something metal looking. I found a staple left in my belly button. I remember a conversation when the nurses were taking them out and thinking that there are usually 3 and they could only find two. I guess i was too swollen to find the other.
I went to the office today and they pop the other one out. Simple.

Yesterday turned out to be a really hard day. After I got home from being overworked I took a 2 and a half hour nap! Then I was really good for nothing the rest of the day. I did manage to put the groceries away (online order) and make dinner but that was about it.

Today has been better. I also got an egg in yesterday and one today. Tomorrow I am moving on to the exciting world of cottage cheese mmmmm....

232 D15

over-estimated

2006-08-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

Oh boy! It is only 8:40 and I am already exhausted. I over estimated my abilities this morning and I am paying for it now with total exhaustion. I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 (I know that really bad but I am one week out) . Took a shower. SHAVED my legs!, that was an amazing feat in itself. Then I got dressed and walked Christian to school. It is normally only a 15 minute walk one way but it took me a little closer to 20. I got to rest there for a bit while we waited for the bell to ring and then we headed home.
I am drinking my shake now and thinking that I may need a nap before the hour is over.

I am supposed to have an egg today. Right now that thought is VERY scary. I don't know if I am ready yet, I may wait another day.

Besides that life is good. I got 66 oz yesterday, 50 grams of protein.

I am getting better everyday!

Recovering

2006-08-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

So I am recovering well.

I walked 30 minutes all at once.

I have gotten in 50 grams of protein all at once.

I even folded a load of laundry.

Today is a good day.

Tiny bubbles from Hell

2006-08-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

Um, yeah calling it "gas" just doesn't do it justice I am sorry.

2nd day home (Friday) went really well. I didn't take a nap! I really could have though. It just didn't seem to go along with the visitors. I spent the whole day burping, getting burps stuck, and passing gas, and not so much passing gas as just have an alien bubble float around in my intestines.
I would really compare this stage that I am right now to pregnancy. I waddle slowly. I need naps. I have absolutely no stomach muscle control. The Gas. Oh and did I tell you I can actually see the stomach rumbles! NO BMs yet. Just farts that send me to the bathroom only to be non-productive. I got in 48 oz of fluid. About 10 g of protein and all my vitamins. My walk outside was only about 15 minutes long but I did straighten up the house a bit. Anything at chest level, that is.

Saturday, I got some advice to cut out some of the sugar alcohols to help with the gas. So, I cut out the little bit of propel that I had been having and my lovely sugar free popsicles. Oh I tried to focus more on the warm liquids as they just feel better going down. The bubbles were less painful today. Still have just as many but instead of sitting and causing pain they move a bit more. I am happy for any progress. I had a great class with Dr. Wittgrove and his personal trainer.

I got my "WEPNS" for weightloss and just a re-itteration of my guidelines. I didn't realize that they frown upon snacking so much, caffeine, and just any consumption between meals that isn't a protein supplement.

So the WEPNS are

Water 64oz min
Excersize 30 minutes min 7 days a week
Protein first ALWAYS
NO snacking
Supplements

Follow those rules and I am guaranteed success.

I got some more details on my introduction to normal foods at the end of week 1.

He only wants you on soft proteins for that first month. NOTHING else. You can do protein supplements but no mashed potatoes, grits, or things of that nature.

So Starting Monday I get a poached egg (you so wish you were me!)
That is it for the day and then back to my previous diet.
If I handled that OK I can go onto another protein meal. He really only wants you eating 2 meals a day and he wants us at 60-70 grams of protein during the rapid weightloss phase.

So upping the protein supplements is what I am going to focus on over the next week.

I also had my 1 wk post-op check up. Everything looks good and my blood pressure is great 96/74

No nap today. Did some shopping and walking around for the first half of my daily excersize and 15 minutes walk outside. Tomorrow I want to do 2 outside walks. I also slept in my bed for the first time last night. BOY did that feel good!

236.5

Day 1 home

2006-08-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well I had to weigh myself of course. My original plan was to only weigh once a month but Dr. W wants us to weigh daily. At this diet level a gain of more than 2 lbs could mean water retention and swelling at incision sites so I have to weigh. The Dr said so :)
Down 6lbs since pre-op day. 10 from my highest.
The first day went pretty well. I slept in my loft in the lazy boy part of the couch. I had a pretty good nights sleep. The boys fought over who got to sleep next to me. It was sweet. I missed them SOO much.
Les got Christian up and to school while I was asleep. I woke up around 8:30 and Leo was still asleep. The plan was that my sil Lyz would be coming down with my niece and nephew and would watch the Leo as well. When she got over I helped make a picnic lunch. Walking around my kitchen for 10 minutes counted as my first walk. That tired me out. After they left to the park I went to sleep. I slept hard for about 2 hrs. Then a friend came over to drop Christian off after school. When she left I walked her to the corner and then headed back home. 2 "walks" down. I was up the rest of the evening and the gas bubbles and bloatiness were terrible. I realize that maybe I was pushing the fluids too much. I realized this a bit too late though. A snow cone made with crystal light went down way too easy but it reminded me it was too quick for quite a long time. Then I made the mistake of eating a sugarfree popsicle because leo had picked it out especially for me. I didn't realize that the tightness was the fact that I just didn't have room. I was quite bloated tight and gassey after that one. I was done with liquids for the night. I took a walk around our little block with my dog that felt good but my doggie didn't like the pace I was at. Being 13 years old she isn't used to me being the really slow one.
I made an easy dinner for the boys. Grilled up some Filipino sausage and made rice. That was about it for the night for me. I slept pretty darn well.

My Story Pt 1

2006-08-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Monday
Well the bowel prep wasn't over. It wasn't over until 6:00 in the morning. I guess I started it too late, but it was in time according to the doctor's insturctions. The night was really hard. I was good up until I tried to actually get some sleep. I had one crying spell. That was mostly triggered about the nerves and fear associated with the fact that there could be complications that could keep me from being able to take care of my boys. My whole reason for doing this in the first place was so I could take care of my boys 100% for the rest of my life. Not to come out even more limited. Les wasn't real good at being my rock during that moment, or maybe he was just perfect.
He said "you know nobody is forcing you to do this, you can turn it around anytime." Well that took me off guard and made me realize that yeah, nobody is forcing me to do this I am doing this because I want it and I thought it was best. I still was teary eyed the rest of the night. I wasn't able to fall into any kind of sleep until my Christian crawled into bed with me. That comfort was perfect.After I got to the hospital I was in admission for not even 5 minutes. They called me back took my vitals and then I was in the pre-op room. I got my IV line in and started the saline right away. I was to get in 2 litres (3 bags full) of fluid before the surgery was to start. I had to get my happy trail on my stomach shaved and get a blood thinner shot in my stomach. The IV was being pushed so fast my whole arm was cold. I was told that was normal. The surgeon was running really late so it was about an hour and a half later than normal till they called me back. I got a wonderful call from Tami that gave me another sense of calm. They finally called me back to the next staging area which turned out to be ther recovery room. I was to get final prep there. I got the leg pumps to keep the blood clots away. I got an airfilled blanket to keep me warm and comfy. I got a lovely fashionable hair cap to keep my hair out of the way and I was ready to go. Only the surgeon and anithesiologist weren't ready. There was just a lot of talking going on in general. This is where the fear really started in. I used the mindfulness meditation that I learned through one of the surgeon's colleagues. It really worked. I was able to really let go of the tension. Otherwise I am sure I would have needed to be pumped up with valume or something at that point. The nurses kept checking on me every 5 minutes, "How you feeling?" I think they were checking my nerves. When My surgeon was ready they brought me back to the OR. There was a little bit of clumsiness going on as one of the doctor's ran over one of the nurses feet. She was in so much pain. Then I overheard a conversation of how I wasn't supposed to be in the OR until after I had talked to the anethesiologist. Did not like hearing about how the nurse was going to get barked at over that. Or how the anethesiologist was a little grumpy when he came in. It wasn't towards me but I could just tell. I told him so as well. I think that was my last words as I went out.
"I think you sound a little grumpy"
When I awoke in recovery room I remembeg it feeling really hard to breath. Kind of like somebody was sitting on my chest. THEN the shoulder pain started. OMG that was worse than anything else going on and I think that made my breathing a little more labored. I was then rolled to my private room and nodded off and on to my mom. She stayed about 30 minutes and headed home. It had been a long day for her. The nurses were coming in about every 90 minutes. I got some turedol and morphine. Toredol became my favorite med. It was the only thing that made the shoulder pain actually go away. The morphine just dulled it but it was still there. The problem with toredol was that you could only have it every 6 hrs and it didn't quite last 6 hours closer to 4 hrs.I had the nurses, blood drawers, respitory therapist all in my room all night. It felt good to know that I was being watched closely. When it was just me I had some fear going on. The labored breathing was scary. I knew I was ok because my O2 levels were fine and I had oxygen but mentally I just couldn't get comfortable knowing that I had to think about breathing. The other thing that sucked but I know was good for me was the albuterol nebulizer treatments. Every 6 hrs for the first 24 hrs. Don't want any pneumonia going on.During one of the nurses visits I had to do my first walk. No problem I thought. So I sit up. THEN the shoulder pain kicks in. THEN the nausea. Oh boy! I made it to the doorway. Then had to go back. OK we will try again in a few hours. I got a nausea shot and some more toredol and prepped myself to get up and at least get past the door next time. The next time I get up I they have to weigh me. That went fine. Same weight as the pre-op day 247. Then we were off. Down the hall. We made it all the way down one corner of the nurses station. I started to get really winded and the shoulder pain acted up more so it was time to head back.The next day was a long one. I got to brush my teeth and wash up a bit. That felt great. There was also Lots of gas going on. 4 walks. I made it all the way around the nurses station by the last one. At 2:00 I was cleared for ice chips. Those were the best ice chips I had. They were also what really got the gas going. At about 4:00 I got broth and jello. I took it slowly but it didn't matter. Any time I even got a small swollow down the bubbles would start. First they would only come out as burps but then they started to go all the way through. The only thing that worked was walking to get them out. So I did that whenever possible.
I was NPO at midnight to prep for the upper GI test. They finally came by at 9:00 and we did the test. It tasted like extremely bitter cough medicine. After that I got back on the ice chips. A couple of hours later walked some more and was happy the gas was coming. ONLY it wasn't gas. The nurse seemed purplexed as to why all of a sudden I was able to move so fast. That GI liquid went straight through me. The doctor had warned me but I wasn't expecting it so soon. It was late that evening when my surgeon was able to get out of surgery and check me out. Everything looked great. The JP tube was removed. The on Q pain pump as well. Then it was time to shower. Oh that felt great. Then staples out. That wasn't bad at all. Then steri strips on. And I was ready to go home...

I'm home

2006-08-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

No complications. Everything went well. I am not in a very talky mood but will update soon.

12 hrs from now

2006-08-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

I will be under the knife...
My surgery time is 1:30. I am all ready to go and should probably be sleeping at this point but am having a hard time settling down. I kept myself ultra busy today getting everything ready for the boys. I cooked dinners and froze them, ironed clothes. Anything that I could think of to help make Les' life a bit easier.

I have done the bowel prep. I am pretty sure that is over. I have drank my last water. I have done the first surgical soap scrub. I do the next one in the morning. I don't think I could be more ready.

I took my measurements. Wow some of them broke the 50s. I hadn't realized what my weight gain meant in numbers from that aspect.

I should be back home in about 3 days and hope to check in around then.
See ya on the lighter side (cheesey I know but I couldn't help myself)

Terrific tuesday

2006-08-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I am just sitting here doing dandy passing time. All is good in my world!

I wonder if I keep saying that if I will actually start to believe it!

Really though all IS good in my world. Things just seem to be going at an alarming rate of speed right now.

I got two dad's to take over coaching Christian's team so all in well there.

Now I just need to get their cleats, balls, and shin guards.

I have a bunch to do for the shower still.

The business is going at a slow steady speed.

I haven't been able to refind that calm cool collected place about the surgery. So instead of trying I just need to keep on going.

5 more days

Calm my ass

2006-07-31T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well the calm serenity and clarity has left the building.

If I stay focussed enough on the other stuff I have going on I can get my mind off of the surgery for small bits of time during the day.

Today is all about the soccer team meeting. I will have 5, 6-7 year old boys and their families at my house for pizza and team meeting tonight. I still have some cleaning to do. I wish I didn't care so much what people thought of me and my house but I really feel like I need to present the cleanest house possible. Plus whatever I do now will help give me a head start on having the house spotless going into surgery. It is the least I can do for Les. It all comes back to surgery I guess.

Surgery related thoughts.
Need to get the medical leave disability paperwork started. (it was too early before)
Can't wait for my feel to be slimmer so I can wear cuter shoes.
scrubbing my feet in the shower was such a PITA last night. I have lost so much flexibility with this weight gain and just ability to move my body properly. I want that back!
I should start taking my vitamins now.

7 days left. I AM counting down now.

Concerns

2006-07-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Les and I were taking about the surgery yesterday. I asked him if he had any fears.

He said, "nope no fears". Then just had this look on his face and I could tell that he was thinking that there was a "but", but didn't know how to express it. I asked him well no buts, maybe just thoughts. After I pestered a bit he kind of mentioned that he wonders how it will change me. How the physical changes will affect my personality.

I hope that I was able to convey that he and the boys are my whole entire life and that won't change no matter what size my ass is. Just because I may have a rock star body (hah!) that doesn't mean I am going to go looking for something better, because frankly that just plain doesn't exist. He is the world to me and there is nothing better. I did not settle when I married him. He is my soul mate and no amount of hottness gained on my part is going to change that.
He may have to get used to me drawing more attention from the opposite (and maybe same ;) ) sex but my attention will always be all him and the boys. I pretty much said all of that but I just hope that he got it :)

I have read one too many journals about how post-ops get this overwhelming social life after they lose weight and have a hard time balancing that with their family life. I am not going to do that. I am not doing this to gain a social life, I am doing this to make the most out of my family life and have a active fitness life. BUT I wouldn't hurt to be a MILF too, lol.

too busy to count down

2006-07-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

OK I never thought that I would be in the situation that there would be so much going on that the surgery just seemed like a blip but at the moment it does. I am going to be doing something life altering but it just doesn't seem to take up an insane amount of space in my brain.

What is taking up the most space

My effed up landscaping for those of you who have been following it has been 1 and a half yrs now and it lookslike I just might be done by the end of next week. Out an extra 15,000 for it but done.

My old puppy. She is 13 years old and we have to Kennel her when we leave for the day now because we can't trust that she will hold her bowels. A couple too many days cleaning up fecal matter would do anyone in.

Getting conned into coaching Christian's soccer team. Like I have time for that. But I couldn't leave the team with nobody.

Reina's bridal shower next Saturday.

Money~ We are about 4,000 short for the initial investment for the store and I have to come up with $4000 for my part of the surgery. There is still a chance that that will be covered but it isn't guaranteed what the secondary insurance will cover. That is 8,000 more in debt. That makes my stomach turn

Therapist issues~ I guess that this is surgery related. It is more just my internal crap though. This is the brain surgery part of it for me. They are only fixing my stomach. I have to do the rest of the work.

The boys~ Christian's combonation class of 1st and 2nd graders is being split up because they have too many kids and Christian is getting stuck with a new teacher, that they haven't even hired yet. They are having a long term sub until they find somebody! This is very unsettling for me. He is going to be with three different teachers within a month. I have no clue how the day care situation is going to be handled while I am in Utah for training in September. Every free second my brain gets is occuppied with thoughts of child care.

I am doing good on my half dose of meds. I think I would be stressed out with all of the above regardless of med dose so as long as I stay somewhat level headed I am sticking with the dose that I am at.

Surgery~ I seem to have a calm sense of clarity about it. I know that I am doing the right thing for me and for my family. It took awhile to get to the "for the family" part but I am there now.

Do I have fears?
Hell yeah!

I fear that I may have a complication that would keep me from being able to care for my family for more than the week following the surgery.
I fear that the moodiness and mental changes will create strain on my marriage.
I fear that I won't be able to get my shit together mentally fast enough to make the most out of this tool. The therapy is the brain surgery part of this and I am scared that I won't be able to fully utilize the tool to get me to my goal weight.

If I were counting down. It would be 10 more days...

Daddy's influence

2006-07-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I sat with Christian and we read our books for the day. He picked up a new book and it was amazing to watch his brain work and how well he is doing. The interesting thing are the words he knows by sight.

ewok, droid, human, alien, spaceship, Chewbacca

Words he had to work on
look, there, before

It is just funny to see his daddy's influence so clear.

Found a new hobby

2006-07-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

Well I found a new hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with food. The lazy person scrapbooking :D
Its not letting me share but it is really cool. Drag and drop and plop in a few words about the pictures. I started with our vacation from 2003. All of those were all together and fun memories. If only all my pictures were organized....

Catch up

2006-07-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

Its been an eventful week

~~~
Had a double ear infection, similar to swimmer's ear. I haven't swam in a LONG time. Especailly with my head in the water.

~~~
Ran out of Effexor and had the worse withdrawals ever. There was a mix-up with the doctor-pharmacy and it went back and forth for 2 days and a half days, Of course I was already behind by a day when I went to order. Nausea, brain shivers*, vomitting. It made for a lovely day. then i finally got a script filled through the urgent care doctor and lost it the next day. I think Les threw out the paper bag and the bottle was still inside.
I had to buy more pills without insurance. $30 for 5 pills!!! I am going to make an appointment to plan out a tappering. I am not going to go off until after the surgery though. Jen was very smart to point that out for me but I need a plan in place to change this because the medicine is freaking scary.

*"Brain shivers" are said to defy description for whoever has not experienced them, but the most common themes are of a sudden "jolt", likened to an electric shock, apparently occurring or originating in the brain itself, with associated disorientation for a few seconds. Immediately following this shock is a light-headedness which may last for up to ten seconds. Some have suggested the experience resembles a "funny bone" except that it shoots through the entire body, starting from the head. It may be initiated by sudden eye movement, and is often perceived as unpleasant. The effect may be similar to drunkenness without any cognitive loss. Driving with brain shivers is not advised.

~~
It looks like work wants me to work for as long as possible. Which means I can work after we get back from training and up until we open the store. The longer I can get a paycheck the better.

~~~
We had Reina's (Les' cousin, my good friend) Bachlorette spa/shopping weekend. I can't even describe it. Everything went beautifully. I could have spent a whole week in that mall.

~~~
Surgery is two weeks away, holy shit. I tried on my dress for the wedding (Sept 2nd) and it is !!soo!! tight. I was 226 when I bought it. I need to get down to there just for it to fit but I would love to have to pay for alterations. Off to go do some push-ups

All the important topics

2006-07-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

In the business front~~
We signed our lease and got our key!!
We meet with the contractor tomorrow
Weekly conference call tonight and will hopefull find out when the training (10 days) is for Sept so I can give a real date to work

Work~~
My boss is out on vacation starting tomorrow until Aug 7th (my surgery date)
I found out who I am supposed to train as my back up. I might as well be training somebody from outside the company because she has never worked in the systems that I am working in.
I am going to be putting in my notice as soon as I get back off of disability for the surgery. I may even put it in while I am gone that way they can get somebody in quicker and I will have more of a chance of being able to train the person.
I go in and out of knowing how much I really care though.

Home~
Christian started his first day of first grade today, OMG it is hitting Les harder than it is hitting me. It is hitting me for sure though. I can't believe real school is starting and I have barely met his teacher. I need to sit and chat with her. It will make me feel better I am thinking. Oh and the fact that he doesn't know anyone because this is a new school. I hope he makes friends fast!
Les is being super supportive about the surgery and just life in general. WE are really clicking right now and it feels so good.
Leo is so ready to start school. He doesn't start until September though. He is on a traditional schedule. I need to make sure that I am sitting with him more and working on writing and patience with himself.

Me~
If I stop long enough to feel I get very overwhelmed. I have been feeling like I need a nap everyday. I think it is all emotional though. I am pumping the tea to hope to make myself stay awake. Waking up is hell as well. The scale is back in my life intimately. I am going to start tracking things more closely. I have been making a lot of mental notes of things that I will need to do differently post-op. Drinking style (of water) food planning. Social eating. All of that sorts. I haven't been able to totally stop the good-bye to food tour. But I am really trying to be more mindful of every bite that goes in my mouth. I just can't wait until there is no more room after a couple of bites.
Therapy is good still. I will continue to meet once a week. It forces me to be current with myself and aware of myself. All good things.
I have a girls weekend away this weekend! Oh I can't wait. Salt scrub at the spa, cocktails and wedding prep (for Les' cousin) shopping all day and fancy dinner out. Its going to be great!

~~
Reminder of why I am getting this surgery.
I was a sweaty disgusting mess after walking the 15 minutes to Christian's school this morning. It was so freaking embarrasing. Thank goodness I had tissue to slop up the mess so I least wasn't incredibly noticeable. I actually had to take a shower before heading off to work so I wouldn't have that saltiness stick with me all day. I can't wait until just living life doesn't make me sweat!

Letting the news out

2006-07-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well I am still not sure about work. I was looking at the calendar and I would probably only be back at work for a week or two after the surgery. I have to tread lightly on that one...

Other people in general. I have decided to let it be known. While I don't want to be everybody's business, I also don't want to live some kind of secret life. I have told Lyn. In telling her I also admitted how much I weigh. She had no clue of course. Or that I am popping my size 20 clothes right now. I am pretty sure that she would be the hardest person to tell.
Next is Lyz. I think she will be supportive. I hope so at least.

~~~~~
I had another therapy appt. Finding this lady was like a ray sent down from heaven. I really am excited at the option to have somebody to work with really closely on the head issues. Like they say, "It is stomach surgery, not brain surgery"
We talked about how this is going to be taking away my only coping mechanism and how I have to work to fill in that gap already.

The thing is I actually know that I am able to lose small amounts of weight on my own. I have done it quite a few times. I have never been able to not fall back on eating as coping. Having this taken away from me will really help keep me from gaining any more weight and it will give me a good portion of time to get my head straight.
From different people's stories that I have read the surgery makes losing weight happen. It doesn't make you stay in maintenance. If I have this 12-18 months of the hunger and the ability to overeat taken away from me I will be forced to build new coping strategies and I will also be at a healthy weight. I don't want to keep fighting this and still always be big and have back problems and worry about my cholesteral.
If I can fight from the other side I would much rather choose that. I know I will always have to fight but I am choosing the way in which to battle.

So I have some reading materials for the coping stuff. I have been planning my foods. I am working on cutting sugars already. Water is up, walking is happening.

My brain won't stop

2006-07-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I am here. I had such an amazing time at conference. I am really just floating lately. It is a really good time to be me.

With that said.
I can't stop thinking of what I am going to tell work about this surgery. If I wasn't leaving the company in two months I would tell them the truth but I just dont think it is a good idea to tell them that I am getting voluntary surgery in the last month that I will work here and I will be out on disability. Oy. I was thinking gallbladder surgery. But if that how much notice do I give and then there is the whole thing of I think gallbladder surgery only has 1 week recovery. In my packet from the surgeon it said something along the lines of that or stomach surgery. Hmm Maybe I will tell them I am getting a lobotomy....

Can't call in sick to myself

2006-07-08T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well I am here in Utah. I was so close to canceling soo many times. I just wasn't in the mood to put a face on be myself. I have never traveled by myself. Never stayed in a hotel room by myself. I have flown by myself but only one other time and it was to meet somebody. Wow I miss the boys SOO much right now. It is almost surprising.

I have an incredible ear ache right now. I actually went to urgent care last night to try to get something for it but I got there too late. I wish I would have made it earlier but I couldn't get myself to leave Christian's birthday party for that. It is unexcuseable. I wanted to just not come because I kind of feel icky but I kept thinking. This is my business. I have to be here. I may not want to do this but I need to. I am going to be a smart business woman and do the smart thing. Why does the smart thing have to suck so much?

I have met the owner's of two other stores so far. They are really nice. I will be meeting them soon for evening reception.

So far I have only felt extremely fat once and it was because I was squished in the back of a car with two other woman. One was my size so it made me feel better BUT that also made for less room. I can't wait until my body no longer spills into other people's space. Oh OK I felt fat on the plane too when I couldn't walk down the tiny aisle with my hips straight without brushing up against shoulders and when people brushed up against my shoulder when going through the aisle.

I am sure I will be posting a lot this weekend. What else am I supposed to do in Utah in the middle of the summer, lol.

Lucky 7

2006-07-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

First picture as a 6 year old

7-7-00
Today is the celebration of the birth of one of the most beautiful creatures to grace this earth. My precious prince turns 6 today. I can't believe that I have been a mom for 6 years. Most days it feels like I am still making it up as I go along. The time is speeding by me so quickly. There are so many moments that I wish I could just freeze in time forever.

I don't know what I did to deserve being blessed with such a wonderful person to care for and nuture but I am truely grateful to be a piece of his life. His smile is pure beauty. I love that I can look at him and see pieces of myself in him yet he is so different from me at the same time. I know that he shares my lips and eyebrows and probably nose. He is the definition of a "cancer" just like his mommy. He wears his bursting heart of emotions on his sleeve. Yet his has this brilliance about him that definitely comes from Les. He is a smartie for sure and I am going to be challenged to keep his mind working hard so he can reach his full potential.

Right now his favorite things are WOW, basketball, Yu-Ghi-oh cards, and swimming.
He gives the best kisses of anyone I have ever kissed. Full lips and heart in every one. I hope that he keeps that forever.

professional help

2006-07-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well I had my psych eval today. I fell in love with the therapist doing it. She just really seemed to get "it". She had a scale in her office. I have never met with one that had a scale before. That was the first sign that she was different. Dealing with food issues is a main focus of her work.
Most of the therapist that have worked with have mostly just said that if I got my emotions under control that the weight and food habits would take care of themselves.
Well she does NOT believe that. She thinks that we have to work on the habits as well and they are a huge part of it. I really needed somebody that got that part. Because I have worked on the emotions and have binged right after a therapy session.
So I really clicked with her. She approved me for the surgery and I am going to start seeing her once a week. She said that we are going to work on getting the coping mechanisms in place so that once I have the surgery I am not left with nothing to fill the gap that food filled.

I weighed 250 on her scale. That was a shock. It was on a full bladder clothed and shoed but still a shock.

I really haven't been able to get my head around the fact that surgery is just 4 and a half weeks away. There is too much else going on.
Christian turns 6 tomorrow.
I leave for Utah (business conference by MYSELF) bright and early Saturday morning
I get back on my birthday
That Saturday I get to go see Rent (my most favoritest show)
Christian starts 1st grade on the 18th
We are doing a girls spa weekend that weekend
I have a shower to throw on August 4th.
In the meantime I am trying to get a lease signed for our site and the architectural plans finished so we can get our permits started.
I have enough to occupy my mind for sure.
Now to make sure that I don't gain any more weight in between now and the surgery. I can lose 10 lbs and still have the BMI of MO plus I really doubt they would cancel the surgery 4 days before because I was down too many lbs. That just doesn't make sense. Now I need to stop the "Good bye tour" with food.

Hurry up and wait.

2006-07-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

OK it is so frustrating to have a million things to do and not be able to do a single one of them. Ugh!

I am leaving for a business conference on Saturday. My little big man's 6th birthday is on Friday. I need at least one pair of black business style capris. Summer business casual sucks! Plus I just barely fit into most of my clothes. I am working on that though. I can't wait to actually wear the same size for more than a season. That would be unheard of in my little world. To have a closet full of clothes that fit me. That is what I want!

The business stuff is so overwhelming too because it just seems like there is so much to do but a lot of it I am waiting on other people.

I am trying to wean myself off of my anxiety medications. I just thinkg that I need to cope period without food without drugs. The problem is that the meds that I am on are really hard to come off of. The physical withdrawal symptoms suck ass. So as of yesterday I am starting half doses and we will take it from here.

I have a date

2006-06-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

Well I am booked.
Why does it feel like it has been too easy so far. Does that mean it will get really bad later? Maybe I just have racked up some karma points.

Who knows.

So physical on August 4th with a relaxation and coping class
Surgery on August 8th
Excersize and additional nutritional class on August 15th

Mentally quiet

2006-06-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

I have been making myself write but couldn't post them at the time. I think I am ready to share again. Might as well publish my posts as well

Approved

2006-06-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well I called UHC to get information about getting my psych eval done and heard the option for care coordination and couldn't help myself. I had to push the button and ask. I was just approved today and the letter will be in the mail. Of course I had to email the insurance coordination person to let her know. Damn I can be antsy. I could barely breath after I found out. Also they had a tentative date of surgery of July 10th. I think that they just have to have something to put in that spot though.
Yeah the heart it is beating rapidly as i try to figure out what my next mental step is....

I could never be bulimic

2006-06-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well I had an awful episode this afternoon. I binged on BK, I felt so awful afterwards all I could think of was getting it out of me (I have never successfully binged) I tried everything I could think of to get my lunch out. I only proceeded in making my eyes water crazy down my face, giving myself a headache, and a sore throat. I got maybe one bites worth up. Hmm, I almost wish I had some pointers but that seems like a slippery slope, of course. 3hrs later my head is still pounding between my eyes. I havenm't puked in a long time even when sick so I guess maybe I am just not a puker. That isn't a bad thing. Just something to make note of.

some missing points

2006-06-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I forgot to mention that I had the consultation by phone and I loved the surgeon. I asked a bazillion questions and he made a comment about how many I had but answered them all patiently and fully. That made me happy that he took all the time that I wanted.
So the next thing that happended was a letter of medical necessity.
Now I am awaiting medical approval which usually takes 1-2 weeks with my insurance. It will be two weeks on Friday.
The last time I weighed myself I was 242 in the morning. How the hell did I let that happen?

Baby steps...

2006-06-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

I just got an email for the surgery center saying that my case is with Care notification* as of Monday and it should only be a few more days. * I have no idea what care notification is but it has something to do with insurance approval. I guess I should look into getting my phsyciatric evaluation done. Umm, yeah I am still not stuck with one decision or another. I read other peoples stories a lot through out the day. Trying to get all the bad with the good as well. I am logging my calories as of today again. If I do do the surgery they like for you to pay attention to your intake (mostly of protein) so it is something I need to get back in the habit of doing anyways.
Their recomendations are 70g protein, 30 carbs, 20 fat. He said that comes to about 1200 calories. BUT that it is hard to get in the beggining and that I would have to use protein shakes to help get the protein in. So I am just researching and learning.

Why can't I just follow those guidelines on my own. Oh yeah if I do the surgery I will lose the physical hunger. I am trying to figure out if physical hunger is a big problem for me or if it is more head hunger. AND if being full is enough to help. All things I need to figure out I guess.

Tuesday June 13th

2006-06-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

THE Most important thing to happen today

My little big man had promotion from kindegarten. I shed a few tears. It was mostly because the little concert was just too precious! I took a bunch of pictures on the archive if you want the link just leave a comment. But this is one of my favorites. His teacher is an amazing woman and we were blessed to have Christian in her class. I think it left a permanent mark of love in his heart and an awesome way to be introduced to school!

Gotta share the love so this is little man looking tough when he is about to spar in the tournament over the weekend.

~~~
I don't have any pictures but I made a huge step today. I don't know if I will continue in the direction but the first step is there. I faxed the patient information to the Wittgrove Bariatric Clinic. I just figured I would do that and kind of get the first part out of the way. Well today I got a phone call to schedule a phone appointment with the doctor to get a letter of medical necessity. That is tomorrow. I also found out that my insurance seems to be one of the fast ones and they get approvals in 1-2 weeks. Um, WOW I was just faxing the sheet over to see if I even fell in the guidelines. I guess I do. The three people that I have spoken with so far are awesome. The surgeon isn't a contracted surgeon for my insurance so it could be covered at 70%. I am dual insured (until I quit) so it may be 100% covered, just kinda going through the motions and doing lots of reading. I hadn't even talked to Les yet because it all happened so fast. I guess we will be talking tonight.
~~~

I am freaking sick. Last night was awful. I have that icky dry sore throat that makes it seem like I have a hairball stuck in my throat. Makes it hard to sleep. I ran on adrenaline all day long because it was a special day for Christian. I am now ready to pass out though. I want to wait until the evening is over though so I can just pass the kids to Les. Plus I want to sleep good tonight. I didn't walk last night. So much for my 7 days straight. Does being sick count or is that just an excuse? I think I am going to pass up tonight as well. I just feel like I need one more day.
~~~~

I have my weekly conference call with corporate today. We should hear some news about the lease getting through the attorney and also status on the architectural (sp?) plans.
I got a call from the life insurance company stating that my premium will go up because of my medical exam. I am sure that it has to do with the cholestoral and weight. I mean I am going to be walking time bomb if I continue on the path that I am on.
~~~~~

Christian has decided that he wants a "Soldier" birthday party so I have ordered all the stuff. Now I am just hoping to find something camoflouge for me to wear that fits and isn't expensive. It will be a one time wear. I am not a cammie type of gal. I had to twist Les' arm pretty bad to agree to wear it. He was thinking that maybe he should try to grow a mullet for the occassion. Gotta love the smartass!

~~~~
I brought my beautiful children and my lovely niece into the office with me this afternoon because I had forgotten to bring my laptop home and I had to work to catch up from missing the whole morning. I was such a proud mama they actually behaved themselves. They were also very impressed with the whole corporate life thing. My badge and the badge readers are like magic!
~~~~~~

Finally

2006-06-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

I finally found the scanner plug so I can share my prints from the cruise. I know yall were waiting on the edge of your seat for the past 6 wks

The boys and I boarding the ship

Les and I at Palo. Our only no kids dinner.

All the grown ups at Palo

Mom and me on formal night. Notice my cute shoes not my bulging belly.

Journal style

2006-06-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

Because I can't seem to get thoughts straight or really figure out if I want to I am going to do this as a daily journal style. Here we go....

Dear Diary,

I had a fantastic weekend. Everything went by so fast. I wish I had a day to recover but this coming week is a short one and it has fun stuff in store as well so I am excited to get the week started. Imagine that me excited for a Monday. Hmm I will have to tell Cassey about that one. Her and I seem to get Monday's off on bad feet.

Friday Leo had his Belt testing. He passed and is going to get his yellow belt at graduation next Friday. It is a surprise for him! I was beaming with pride when I found out! He is going to be so jazzed. After dinner we went to Mc Donalds (his choice) The kids had fun playing. Les and I were snippey at each other. I think this was his moodiness not mine though. I was in a really good mood.

Saturday started out kinda slow. We didn't get up until 8:45. Then the boys requested pancakes and sausage. After breakfast was made and cleaned up I mowed the lawn. Lyn invited me to go to Kohl's with her. She got a special scratch of coupon in the mail and she won 30% off. Christian really needed summer PJs (another darn growth spurt) and new underwear. Plus I was going out to dinner so I wanted something cute to wear. We spent over 2 hours in Kohls and racked up a bill of 600$ before the coupon. It was 4 something afterwards. I think less than half of that was mine though. Lyn did some major damage. We still had to hit Target for camping gear after that. We didn't get home until 3:00 Les and I ended up headed to Home depot to exchange a camping grill and finally got home around 4:00 to start getting ready for dinner. My mom got there at 5:00 she took the kids to dinner and a movie (Cars). Les and I got prettied up and were on our way. We were going to a brewery for dinner. I told Les that I would be the Designated driver so he was ready to get his drink on. Dinner was fun. I had two drinks over the 4 hours that we were there so I was more than sober. Les had 4 shots and two drinks and still woke up with no hang over. I was so jealous. The brewery ended up changing up at 9:00 for a private party but since we were already in they let us stay without charging cover. They were playing awesome music. Les was nice a tipsy so we had a great time dancing and hanging out with his friends. I had fun but I felt so huge. It is in times like those that I really feel my size. We don't go out much so it doesn't usually hit me. It set a vision in my head of maybe I want to do something to live my life how I picture it in my head.
We got home around 11:00 and Christian was still up! I guess Nana's don't make bedtimes, lol.
Sunday~ Was Leo's Tae Kwon Do tournament in the morning. He did such a great job. He didn't place in his age group but they got a participation trophy and he really did well. I think he had fun too! He picked Islands for lunch. I did good at first. I ordered a salad. We didn't order fries. The boys had their kidsmeal fries turned into Cheese fries and I ate off their plates. Besides that I would ahve been good.
Then we came home for an hour and started laundry and got ready for a birthday party. It was at a place called kidsville. It is basically a town made to kids siza scale. It is a big wharehouse that has wood building fronts inside. There is a vet, firestation, school, grocery store, they even have a little road that connects all the buildings. The kids had a blast. Dinner wasn't served so we picked up a rotesserie chicken on the way home. I got the kids' dinner ready and then I put on my shoes and went for a walk. It felt so good. While I was walking I started to get all these ideas of greatness. I squashed them and am going to try to start with the basics. I have almost no fitness level right now. I have to stay aware of that fact while I build everything back up.
20-30 minutes walking only a day for 7 days and we will see where we go from there.

Oh and I am going to have Les bring back out the scale. I am feeling rolls in my sides that weren't there before and my tummy seems to be just out there more. I have gained and I need to figure out where I am and start thinking about what to change and what I want.

I have to figure out what I want and what I am willing to sacrifice/do for myself to get there.
My birthday is coming up. I will be 29. I can't hit 30 at an unhealthy weight. I spent almost a whole decade that way. I don't need to keep it up.

Here is to becoming a MILF, or living a healthy life where I love myself

Ya know same, same

Whiz kid or an addiction starting

2006-06-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

It all started out innocently enough. In the pictures above Christian is 14 months old. I double checked the date because it still doesn't seem real. At this age he was able to turn on the monitor (of either of the two computers in the office) turn on the computer, go ask daddy to log in, then take the mouse and click on the icon of whatever it was he wanted to do. Les had to password protect the computer because he could start it on his own.

I tried to keep him entertained with educational stuff like Nick Jr, or PBS kids but what he really wanted was Daddy's games. Here he is playing a Star Wars 1st person shooter game.

By the time he was 3 he was conning family members to bust out there laptops when he went to visit and was able to download trial games. Les had to take away administration privledges when he got on the computer.

Now his favorite game is Wor ub warcrap (as Leo pronounces) He is actually quite good and has been able to pick up the concepts and mapping much better than I. People don't realize they are playing with a 5 year old until they try to communicate with him. It is making his reading skills grow that much faster. Should I be worried that he has created characters and named them after family members? Should I be worried that he can type faster than he can write? I know that is normal for most typist. But he is 5.
So yeah I have a little computer whiz on my hands. I stopped trying to fight it and just use his powers for good as well as fun.

In case you needed to smile today

2006-06-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

The song may get stuck in your head all day so I don't take responsibility for that :)

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi2CfuqcUGE

Can't go deep right now

2006-06-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Instead

What I am grateful this week

1. I get to watch Leo spar in his very first Taekwondo tournament this weekend. He is VERY excited.
2. My mama, She is going to take the boys to see "Cars" on Saturday while Les and I go to a friends birthday dinner.
3. Again my mama, she gets two bullets. She won money in Vegas last weekend and just decided to share with Les and I. Now I have to figure out what I am going to spend my $50 on...
4. My business partner, she is rockin through all of this with me. It is starting to try to get exciting for us, although everything is waiting right now.
5. Music, I have had fun with music this week. My current song I want to shake my booty Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous Girl" f/ Timbaland
6. We finally have a good honest person working with us on our landscaping and we might be able to host a BBQ by my birthday. Woohoo!
7. My awesome husband who is able to put up with my moodiness, I have been a Bitch lately (night even a cutesy beyotch) I need to make it up to him.
8. a lovely Martini (or two) this weekend at dinner

Friendships

2006-06-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have had this topic swirling around in my head for the past week and I am not sure exactly how to tackle it. Hopefully this will find some kind of flow but I won't be surprised if it turns into the normal ramble.

I have been thinking about the people that come in and out of my life. I value friendship so highly. You become family to me when you are in my heart. That being said. I seem to not have very many close friends. I have friends that are my life line that I have met on the internet. I have even flown across the country and across the border to visit a friend that I had only had encounters with online and a few times over the phone. My online friends hold such a special dear place in my heart. I wish I was able to find relationships like that close to home though. It would be so nice to have somebody that just knew me in and out and was always there to listen and hear. I have Les but beyond that I don't really have that. I have friends that I can share family life but not ones that know how my head works.
I crave that.

Another thing I realized about my friendships past, I don't know how to be friends with men. I really don't. I don't have a single male friend outside of work. The men at work that I would consider part of my life, most of our conversation surround their family lives. In addition all of them are people that I know wouldn't find me attractive nor would I them. I think that is the only way I would be able to be comfortable with a male friendship. I know that this all stems from the attention that I was able to get at an early age. I would say from age 11 on I was already curvy and if you didn't notice my dimply smile you couldn't guess my age. I always attracted attention from men. Not boys, Men. I am sure that is why I never even thought of trying to have a friendship with a guy because "come on you know they only really want one thing" It isn't even like I have a big ego or anything it is just the experiences that I have had and I probably didn't give many a chance because I didn't even realize there was a possibility of friendship like that.

One thing that brought topic up in my head again was that my hair dresser was talking about a party that she went to where all of the young boys (19-21) Navy boys from Chile were the ones that wanted her attention. All I could think of is of course they did you are beautiful why wouldn't they want to be around you. While I am sure that was a small part a bigger part is the fact that she is an awesome person, she is from their home country, and she makes anyone feel at home. Her husband was right there with her so it wasn't like any of these boys were expecting anything, yet all I could think of is that I wouldn't even know how to act in that situation. She did mention that she was getting looks all night long and a few people did ask if she was with anyone but when she answered she was able to go back to whatever was at hand. I don't have to worry about it much in my present body state but there was a time that even glances in my direction automatically had me wondering what the proper way was to react and also wanting Les right by my side to grab his arm and let everyone know that I was taken.

So after that tangent, I need a close friend. It would be so much easier if I could just fly an on-line friend to my home town. Seeing that home prices are WAY scary here and gas is $3.25 a gallon I really don't see that happening.

Ya took the words right outta my head

2006-06-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

It seems like I don't even need to write. If I read enough of the lovely blogs out there, there will be somebody that is feeling what I am feeling, realizing what I should have, or having an amazing moment.

Here are some of the things that have made me think or my heart smile recently

I want to be the girl I see in my
dreams and I know that it is within my power to make that happen.

Maybe this
is what being a positive person is - the ongoing management of the way you react
to life's little challenges. You can shit your pants for awhile, but then you
try to sift through the shit and salvage the good stuff

Everytime I feel ashamed in my life, everytime I feel too scared to speak
up, everytime I feel unsure of what I should do, I ALWAYS think about that
little girl in the apron who would rather pee her pants then raise her hand to
ask a simple question like "May I please go potty?" And I realize that 29 years
later, I would still rather piss on myself then do what I need to do in my life
because I'm too scared.
I just needed to feel connected. Food would not make a satisfactory connection. It would just make me feel more disconnected from myself because I'd be eating for the wrong reasons.

2006-06-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that I am a day late for" this day" but boring, is boring any day of the month

Here we go....

2:00 Wake up to a light sniffley cry and realize that I am still sleeping on the floor of my kids room. Leo is up and looking for me. I give him a kiss, go potty, and lay back on the floor hoping to stay awake long enough to make it to my bed.

4:00 Feel a little snuggle into my back. Leo has crawled out of his bed to sleep with me on the floor. He is having a rough night and I am not sure why.

5:40 My alarm goes off in my room. I go to turn it off take one look at Les snuggled into bed. I reset my alarm for 6:30 and I am in bed in an instant. Immediately slip into a really good sleep.

6:30 snooze
6:40 snooze
6:50 snooze
6:55 roll out of bed straight into the shower
7:20 out the door and off to work.
8:27 at work, MAN traffic was BAD today.
8:35 Work email fun
8:45 Real work
9:15 chat with Les while he sits in traffic
9:40Receive call from amazing landscaper. I have homework. Gotta look up wall caps and garden designs. Spend time online looking at that until my head hurts. Mixed in with work on and off
10:53 Decide it is time to get real work accomplished
10:55 bathroom break
10:57 Do self business stuff
11:05 Work stuff
11:37 Les callks again, work while on the phone
11:52 time to eat, walk out to the car to get money, call mom
12:12 sit down to my tuna on squaw, Jalopeno chips, and 2 dill pickle spears
12:22 flaming mouth, need more sandwich to cancel out spice
12:43 read blogs write in mine
12:54 wrap up and leave for the day
1:25 pick up Leo and head to get Christian.
1:55 At Christian's school. It looks like he had a good day. Gotta love that!
2:05 Home rest, eat too many scooby-snacks, a bowl of ice cream with Leo (It doesn't count if it is with the kids does it)
2:50 back in the car to meet the landscaper to pick out rocks
3:20 At the rock place look around, the boys are in awe of all the heavy equipment and rocks. Any boys heaven.
4:40 Have final decisions made, I may have completed walls with caps, a fountain, and fire pit yet!
5:30 Finally home, traffic sucked!
5:40 give up and order pizza boys are upstairs playing and I settle in to watch an old Grey's anatomy.
6:15 eat pizza and watch tv with the boys.
6:45 Early bath time.
7:00 play Rampage with Leo on the X-box, Les is home so I chat with him for a bit
7:30 Weekly business conference call with cooperate. It looks like we may be the first store to open in California if we keep up our current pace!
8:15 downstairs to watch TV with the kids
8:45ish spend some quick time with Les
9:00 Ack!! the kids should have been in bed by now, scramble them up to brush teeth and off to bed.
10:00 They are finally wound down and completely asleep, surf ITunes with Les. Laugh and chat about celebrity play list. Fall in love with Fort Minor maybe minus the "Where'd you go" song
11:00 Leave Les to watch "Dog The Bounty Hunter" and go off to sleep

Tune in tomorrow

2006-06-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

Tune in tomorrow for a riveting post of
"A Day in the life"

It is pee your pants suspense!!!

In the meantime, I will spill beans to fill time.

We finally have an actual landscaper doing actual work in our yard. It is an amazing feeling to pay somebody money and have them do their task on time and with skill.

I had a marvelous weekend.
Friday I made an insane amount of lasagna for a dinner party. It was my first non-family dinner part in a long time. Maybe even ever. I mean I have done party to celebrate but this was just because. It was very cool. My hostess skills were praised. THAT made me feel like a zillion bucks. I got to use my princess house serve ware. I mean come on it just doesn't get better.
Oh we also played us some Texas Hold'em. We didn't play for money so it got kind of boring towards the end as people got tired. I mean we played for about 2 hours but as we got tired people started to not care as much seeing as there was no money tied. We will play for a buy-in next time. Just to keep everyone interested.
I also made fabulous hypnitique martinis with Melon Sky Vodka. It was good I didn't have a lot of hypnotique because those were just too yummy!
The next morning I got to spend an absolutely fabulous sunny Saturday San Diego morning in a icky Hotel conference room learning micro-biology and food code. For the business I have to have a professional food managers certification. So that was a beautiful day spent well but I would have so rather been in the grass with the boys.
Sunday was bowling. The boys had soo much fun. I think it is going to be something that we add to our bag of tricks for family fun. I also did awesome (for me) the second game. I even beat Les!
So all in all a fabulous weekend had by all.

I still don't know what I weigh.
I am going to ask Les to pull out the scale. The whole point of hiding it was to not put too much focus on numbers while I was trying to get healthy. But I am feeling like I am hiding from it. I will weigh and put away.
Still don't know what I am doing. I am reading OA literature but I am having a hard time with the higher power part. I need to get a firm hold on my beliefs before I can start handing things over.

Or maybe I like to make things WAYY too difficult and just need to do what I know works.

Smiling from the inside out

2006-06-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

I heard these two songs this morning and they imediate made my whole body warm up and just smile. Sometimes all you need is a couple of songs to lift your day. Awesome memories attatched to them help as well. Do you know where they are from????

Maybe the world is blind,
Or just a little unkind.
Don't know.
Seems you can't be sure
Of anything anymore.
Although,
You maybe lonely and then,
One day you're smiling again.
Every time I turn around,
I see the girl that turns my world around.
Standing there...
Everytime I turn around,
Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground.
What's gonna be ?
Guess we'll just wait
and see.

AND...

There’s a time for love and a time for living.
You take a chance and face the wind.
An open road and a road that’s hidden
A brand new life around the bend.
There were times when I lost a dream or two.
Found the trail, and at the end was you.
There’s a path you take and a path untaken
The choice is up to you my friend.
Nights are long but you’re on your way
To a brand new life, Brand new life,
Brand new life around the bend.

Excuse me while I Freak the Fuck out!

2006-06-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I put in my totally un-official, maybe sometime around August, I will be leaving the company notice. I didn't start my day out thinking that that was what was going to happen. It just sort of evolved into it.
Holy shit. I put in a notice for a completely stable professional well paying part-time job that I have been at for over 10 years (11 if you count my temp time)
They were so completely grateful that I told them now because they are going through this huge project of evaluating head count and job responsibilities and it would have been a huge wrench to spring it on them later.
Now I have to figure out a way to ask to be layed off. I don't even really think it is an option but it would Be the perfect solution for me. My company has a kick ass severance package and I would get about 4 months salary. Again I don't think it is really an option and it is basically like asking somebody to to just give you 4 months pay but I just couldn't forgive myself for not asking.

BUT we have the lease agreement and are forwarding it to the lawyers and the lease should commense June 15th. We have just about everything for the loan to close. We are starting to interview contractors. It isn't like this isn't really going to happen.
But it was kind of like I tossed my life preserver at the life guard and now I am asking him to give me a floaty just because I am a cool gal like that.

To say that I ate over this freak out would be an understatement.

I am starting to think that maybe this isn't the best time to try to get all zen with my emotions and crap but really what would I be waiting for. Life to get even more interesting?

change of pace

2006-05-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

Because things have been WAY too serious around here

accent: Cali girl, unfortunately
booze: I am a cocktails girl. Gin & Tonic, Wild orchid martini (chambord and pineapple), tequilla sunrise are among my faves
chore I hate: Laundry
dogs/cats: Dogs, Nikita the 13 yro Siberian Husky to be exact
favorite perfume/cologne: Body by Victoria, Hawiian Rain? an oil from Maui that I bought on my Honeymoon.
gold/silver: White gold
hometown: San Diego
insomnia: Never
job title: Sales admin/mom soon to be Owner/Operator!!!!
kids: 2:boys
living arrangements: a house in suburbia mixed with a taste of mexican maffia
most admired trait: caring
number of sexual partners: 1 in the past 13 yrs (we won't talk about before that :) )
overnight hospital stays: 2 1 w/each kid
phobia: ??
quote: I didn't have one then found this and it is what I mean in my blog title

I never think at all when I write. Nobody can do two things at the same time and do them both well. Horace

religion: More of a spiritual person than organized religion. Was raised Lutheran
siblings: 1 half-brother 6 yrs yonger
time I usually wake up: 6:15ish I should have been up and hour ago
unusual talent: I can pick up most things with my toes, yet they are exceptionally short
vegetable I refuse to eat: water crest, lima beans, brussel sprouts, everything else is fair game!
worst habit: eating
x-rays: besides teeth, one time for a wrist.
yummy foods I make: chicken enchilada, lasagna, pumpkin swirl cheese cake, chicken parmesean, Beef Steak (fillipino dish) I make amazing salads as well
zodiac sign: Cancer to the bone

Raw heart

2006-05-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

It only took 3 days for my heart to get totally raw and not be able to handle the world without food to numb me.

I don't know if it was one thing in particular or the sum of the events but WOW, I got just another taste of how hard this is really going to get.

It all seems like simple things really:
An appt running late
over-estimating people's commitment to me
jealously over something that I am not even sure that I want
Kids acting fantastically annoying.
Husband even worse
realizing that I will be twice the size as the other bridesmaid
Being told "that dress is INCREDIBLY flattering, I mean Wow", Umm, it couldn't be me at all.
missing a friendship that I don't know how to fix

All of the above and not having a thorough plan for the day combined with company this evening set up some compulsive behavior. I know better. I think I know how to keep it from happening again.

I need to make sure that by Friday evening I have all my food bought and planned for the weekend, no more flying by the seat of my pants, there is too much turbulence.
I need to call somebody that understands and talk it through so I can realize when I am just saying fuck it because I don't seem to get a full understanding until it is done.

So yeah, I have that damn lump in my throat again and water filled eyes but at least I know what to do about it.

Come swim in the stream of unconciousness

2006-05-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

Title meaning I have watched WAY too much Shark Boy and Lava Girl for any girl my age.

State of being~
I feel icky. I need a spa day SOO badly. I need my brows waxed and somehow (hubby style cleaning) an empty bottle of hair product got put under the sink, where only full bottles go so I when I went to do my hair this morning I had NOTHING. I am sporting the orphan fro look today. It is all the rage.
Oh yeah and the outfit that looked good in concept fits just not right and I am all thrown off.
I need a pedicure. My toes have no color. They are properly moisturized so I could pull of slippers , aka flip-flops, thongs, sandals, BUT they wouldn't feel pretty being exposed.
Geesh, being a girl is ridiculously hard sometimes.

State of mind~
I have a meal plan for today.
I really need to find a sponsor. My mom called looking for me this morning because I hadn't called. It was only 8:00 and she had the day off. I was giving her the option to sleep in a bit. So, yeah, I need to separate this a little bit from her. I know that she cares and knows what I am going through but I think I need her to be mom and support. Not mom/support/sponsor.

I can't even count how many times I have had to pull myself back into the present. My mind races into the future and into things that I cannot control but want to plan and then the fears and doubt come rushing in. I am working on it though. The thing that keeps popping in my mind that I haven't been able to put on a shelf. So maybe if I spill it real quick it will dissipate. I don't want to give up the occassional cocktail. So far, I am taking this as giving up the triggers and binge foods. I haven't binge drank since high school. I am not about to pick that lovely habit up again. So I am trying to decide what I think will be OK in my food plan as far as alcohol is concerned. I love me a sweet martini. I mean there is always every dieters friend of a rum and diet but that is kinda boring. I think I need to put this one back on the shelf for now. I have no adult beverages planned for today and really that is all I need to worry about right?!?

I weighed today. I rationalized it by thinking that yesterday's weigh wasn't on my home scale (it was on my sils) how do I know that it is close to mine?? I can rationalize just about anything. It is a very dangerous skill. Anyways, 233, I also came downstairs and asked Les to hide the scale. He was confused but went along with it.

I get to talk to Snackie today. I think I am more excited than is normal. I guess I never claimed to be normal and I won't start now. She outed herself on her blog so I can share that she is the lovie that is going to join me on an OA adventure.

Healthy physical/spiritual/emotional selves here we come.

Today's food

3 egg whites + 1whole egg
ketchup (I may be giving up sugar but I refuse to give up ketchup, lol)
2 corn tortillas

yogurt
rasberries

salmon (gotta love leftovers)
squash zuchinni
pineapple

pria bar on the drive home

Submarina sammie
salad

starbucks sf french vanilla latte

Retail therapy

2006-05-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

Because I have to fill the hole with something right???

Well the actual thought was

"I am going to start loving myself right now. I am going to feel good in my clothes and take care of myself and wear pretty things, no matter my size"

So this skirt paired with a chocolate brown cami sweater and shrug and strappy nude sandals. I even did my make-up!

Just for Today

2006-05-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

Well I am still feeling a little lost. I have a glimmer of hope that feels real (not fake it until you make it kind) and I really haven't had that these past few weeks.

I am going to follow through with OA. I think it is really what I need.
I have caught myself projecting into the future SO many times today (its only 10AM). That is where the anxiety and nervousness comes in and the disease really takes a hold of me.
I have to stay in the present as much as possible.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

The only thing that I know right now is that today I have a meal plan, for today.
I am going to call my mom to check in, and another lovie who has offered up her support.
I weighed today. I think I am going to put the scale away (I have said that a lot lately, I am getting there). I really need this to not be about weight and body.

Today's food plan

cottage cheese w/ splenda and cinnamon
rasberries

mixed greens and spinach
blue cheese dressing
tuna packet
pineapple

on the drive home (this is where I am usually triggered)
one pria bar and yogurt

Nothing until dinner

salmon
brown rice
squash and zuchinni

evening snack
chai tea latte or sf hot chocolate

I start to think ahead and think about abstaining from white stuff and sugar, and get all kinds of grand ideas but Im not there yet.

I am in today, thats it.

Starting weight 235

Raw

2006-05-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I went.

I will go into details later.

Right now all I can say is that I I feel very raw and drained.
My head hearts and my eyes are burning.

This is all good right?