I'm in hiding...
Im in hiding, or I guess I could call it upstairs confinement. Whatever you want to call it there is one reason behind it. My huge pantry downstairs that is stocked with yummy crunchy snacky carbs. I am not even hungry but I have gotten in the horrid habit of grabing a handful or snacky crap every night before bed, only I grab one then half hour later go and grab another. The pantry is like Pandoras box for me. It is awful! It wouldn't even really matter what I purged out of their because I would find SOMETHING to fill the need. Yes it would be better if I filled it with string cheese instead of graham crackers or pretzels, or cereal, or (well I guess you get my point) So as of today I have grounded myself to the upstairs. I have NO need to step foot on the first floor of my house. None at all. Gosh this is going to be a long night!
That all being said I have hit a new low on the scale. I am now 9 lbs away from Les' weight. Single digits baby! I haven't weighed less than him EVER in the whole 14 years that we have been together. I have never even been this close to his weight I don't think! This is such a huge goal for me and I will be screaming from the roof tops and Arlie & Dee just may hear me all the way down Under because it will be just that amazing. I seem to think a little self sabotage of hitting a goal so huge could do with my crunchy carb fettish that I got going on now. It could also be the stress of trying to get everything to fall into place with the store. Whatever it is I just want to be past this phase.
I am on a pretty good workout kick right now. Really loving my weight workouts and trying to build some muscle. I am up to 6 pushups ON MY TOES in a row. Hoping to just keep adding to that number.
The store has mini crisis that cause mini heart attacks just about every hour on the hour. I am trying really hard to learn to take it all in and just get action plans about what things I can control or have an influence in the outcome and leaving the rest to fall where it may. Patience is something that I wish I had more of at this point. I also got my picture done for the brochure. It is something that I definitely wouldn't have done pre WLS. It feels good to have that confidence in myself to put it out there and really represent us! I am trying to figure out how to attach a PDF format file to the blog and I haven't figured it out and don't have a scanner (well I have a scanner but no cable!)
I can share the picture that we used though...
All of the background is cut out and we are just placed against the brochure background. It turned out very cute!
The first day of the rest of my life (job wise)
Well tomorrow will be the first day that I start working for me and me only. Friday was my last work day. I spent the weekend almost in vacation mode. It was a 3-day weekend and we had out of town family so it just felt relaxing. I still went into the store and did business stuff at night but Les was home and so were all of the kids and it just didn't feel real yet.
I already have my day planner filled with tons of To-dos and am trying to figure out how to schedule my day to be efficient. It is quite mind blowing. I am sure at the end of the day tomorrow I will be wondering what the hell I did with my day but hopefully not.
Shopping
I tried on clothes yesterday and today. It looks like I am comfortably in a size 12. I can fit into a size large. All the larges that I tried on fit perfectly. The weirdest part of the shopping, Everything fit. It was more a matter of finding something that I liked and really liked on me than finding something that just fit well. I think before it was almost always just finding something that fit well. I mean I put a lot of thought into it BUT there were times when it was more about finding something that fit me well than something that I truely liked. I would buy something just because it fit!
This time I shopped in two separate trips to the mall and didn't get anything until the 4th store. I only bought it because I LOVED it. This was such an awesome feeling. With the business, we wear uniform, and the lack of money I won't be doing much shopping any time soon but it was a fun experience. Maybe I will just go clothes trying on instead of shopping.
All that said, I am really worried about the girls. I don't think they are going to last through this whole weight loss thing. They are already really showing signs of stress. The skin basically wrinkle like a Sharpei puppy and I have to make sure that they are arranged just right if I have anything on that shows any cleavage. Shopping for a bra is no fun either. I can do pushups for my arms and squats for my rear but what do ya do for sagging deflated girls??
I don't want to end on that note so instead. I will dream of shoes that I need to get to match my smashing dress for the wedding! Pics to come soon.
It's over
My career with the big corporate company is over. Almost 12 years and I am done with the company. It is so bittersweet. I can't even really put my head around it or put it into words properly. I had a very small cute send off. One of the guys that I have worked with on and off over my whole time with the company got me a cake and the group got me a few small gifts. It felt good to be loved a bit. I was a little worried because it didn't seem like anyone was going to do anything at all.
The steady paycheck has left the house. I probably won't be bringing in money into the household for at least 6 months if then. That thought makes my stomach drop. We have looked at the budget and we can do it but it is going to be TIGHT. Me taking this opportunity is taking our comfort out of the family and that is really hard to deal with but I am trying.
With the long weekend the finality of not going to work won't really hit me until Tuesday when I am getting the boys ready for school and Les goes off to work and then I come home and it is just me. I have some errands to run for the store but I don't have a whole days worth of work that I need to do yet so it is going to be weird. I won't have a real routine until at least the second week in March. We don't start training our employees until Feb 25 so in the meantime it is going to just be fly by the seat with no real schedule. That is a really odd thought. The only time constraints I have are dropping the kids off to school and picking them up. So from 9:00-2:00 my day is my own to schedule and do what I see as important. If I don't do I have only myself to answer to. Well my partner Jenn and Les too but still. That thought needs to sit for a second because it makes my head hurt, lol.
Checking in
Well I don't think I have anything amazing to share but I figured it would be good for me to pause and spill for a moment so here I am.
We have our staff hired. OMG that is such a weird thought.
I am gonna be the boss of some peoples.
Let that one sink in for a bit.
Actually I am only taking responsibility for the pantry staff. My partner is taking on the majority of the rest.
So far everything is on schedule. After the millions of push outs it seems like things might be falling into place. Over budget but falling into place. I can't think or talk money because it makes my insides hurt.
I have 7 days left of work. It started to feel real and now it isn't so much anymore. May 1995 was when I was hired. That is a hella long time. I still question every day whether I am cut out to work for myself. I haven't put my heart into a job in so long. It will be weird to really be that invested into something again. I was like that before I had kids and then I shifted all of my focus onto them. I still haven't gotten my head all the way around the fact that my family life is going to go on the back burner for a bit here. It kind of goes against everything that feels right but I it should be for a small time. I can juggle priorities for a bit here. For the first time since the kids have gone to pre-school I will actually be the main person dropping them off in the morning. That will be such a huge adjustment. That was one thing that I was very selfish with. I only had to get me ready in the morning. Les did all the kids stuff. He is SOO ready to hand off that responsibility for a bit. He will probably have bed times to himself but he helps with that already so that won't really be that much of a change.
I found out that I have to figure out a way to hydrate better for first thing in the morning hard workouts. REally right now the only one that I do big and first thing is on Sunday morning. I had started to run but I was getting a light headed pain right in between my eyes. It faded when I drank water but every time I picked the pace back up for more than a few minutes it would come back. I am attributing it water. My pouch is really tight in the mornings so I can't just down my water. So no more waking up and heading straight out. I am going to nurse water for at least 30 minutes and probably get in a protein shake as well and see how that goes. My body did not like not having fuel and water. Funny body.
Even though I am introducing running again I am really trying to focus on building lean muscle mass. I really am starting to feel like I have lost quite a bit of muscle with my overall weight loss. I don't want to be thin and flabby so it is time to pump the iron :D
Right now I am doing that with FIRM complete body sculpting. I think i will add some just plain circuit training as well. I may have loose skin but that doesn't mean it can't be rock solid beneath that. I have seen the difference between people that have loose skin and no muscle mass and people that have muscle mass and loose skinn. I take the muscle with the skin thank you very much!
Oh and also I am totally loosing my ass. That is a hard pill to swallow. I have always been quite bootylicous and it is almost flat now. If I flex it gets some shape back so that is my hope is to make it look like it does when I flex. I wonder if that is possible??
14s are starting to get loose. I definitely can't get two wears out of any of my pants. Even though I only wear them to work for about 6hrs total they get so stretched out I have to wash them to get their shape ba ck and not have it look like I have a load in my pants. And thus make my ass look even worse.
Woohoo moment. This weekend I rocked a very cute Roxy Tee in XL. That is jrs sizing thankyouverymuch!
My goal is to get fully into a 12 for the wedding that we have coming up in March. I have to find a dress I am thinking I will do black because it is a younger crowd and at night.
Something along these lines
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2911192/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=1OK that is enough rambling for somebody with nothing to say ;)
procrastination is a beautiful thing...
Well I have two weeks left of work. I have gotten quite a few emails with official business that needs to be taken care of before my resignation date. I think each time I get one or any time any ones mentions it, it knocks me on my ass. So what have I done today? Absolutely nothing!
I can’t focus. I can’t find any motivation. I think it has more to do with just being dumbstruck more than anything else.
I was nutts to do a whole life transition like this being this new post-op but things happen for a reason and I really believe that good things are about to happen. I also have a real feeling that I am about to have the hardest couple of months of my life ahead of me here shortly and I think I am getting kind of close to being frozen with fear. I have started grazing and I know it is just my coping skills trying to re-root themselves.
I can’t continue to let that happen. It worries me SO heavily that I am having these problems already barely 6 months out. Don’t most people make it most of their first year before they start having these issues. Why do I always have to be the anomaly? I am thinking that the only way to combat this is to give myself lists and tasks of things that need to be accomplished otherwise I will be like I have the past few days and it hasn’t been good. Any time that wasn’t schedule was just spent navel gazing online or staring blankly at the television. NOT what I need to be doing. It is my equivalent of sticking my head in the sand.
So for starters as soon as I get home I am going to do start some laundry. Make a dreaded phone call to put in a $6000 order. Then after the boys get home I am going to do my FIRM total body sculpting video. There is nothing like the feeling of incredibly sore muscles to give you a feeling of accomplishing something.
We interviewed about half of our candidates and will do the remaining 4 or so interviews on Saturday. After that hopefully we will have all the gaps in the schedule filled and can focus on training schedules and small wares purchases. You would think shopping would be fun but in the dollar amounts that we have to spend it is anything but.
bad choices, hidden thoughts
Well today I kinda fell flat on my face food wise.
Sometimes bad food choices are just about bad habits that are not dying out easily. BUT sometimes it is more about using food for something else or trying to hide feelings. I think today might have been more about feelings and crap.
Thoughts that have been floating around in my head....
My face looks weird. I don't have any pictures of myself with my face as thin as it is now. It is like my face took a jump start with the weight loss and the rest of me still needs to catch up. I have weighed this weight before. I have pictures of it. My face didn't look like this though. It is hard to get used to looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. Even if the changes are good.
I have been getting more attention from men. It weirds me out. Even heavier I got attention but now it feels just a bit different. I don't know if I am just overthinking every glance and smile now or what but it is just a weird place to be in. I don't have a wedding ring right now because I lost it but I think I need to buy a costume jewelry one or maybe just get "TAKEN" stamped on my forehead and then at least I will know that I didn't invite any of the attention :P
The business stuff is hard. WE interviewed two people today. Both of these woman are probably more qualified to run the business let alone just work for us. BUT we are the ones putting our lives on hold and we are the ones putting the risk. They just want a little extra money so they can still be fulltime moms at home. It is just weird interveiwing someone that was a history professor to work for me two nights a week. Just weird.
Work sucks more and more the closer I get to it being my last day. I guess that is just normal though.
I should head to bed soon because I have a date with myself and the DVD player tomorrow morning. I think I have come to the realization that unless I have NOTHING going on in the afternoon evening time that I will not get my workout in and I am missing too many. I in a fight against gravity and I don't stand a chance unless I am working out every day!
Attack of the killer broccoli
In hind sight and talking with another WLSerI can see now it was probably the broccoli
At the start of the day yesterday I noticed that I was having some slight intestinal cramping after my breakfast (2 hard boiled egg whites) I didn't think anything of it. Just chalked it up to needing to normal pouch moodiness. I pounded the water all day until lunch and I had some turkey chili (a norm for me) and a couple of bites of mixed greens, in an absent minded move at the salad bar I put a brocoli floret on my plate. Almost immediately after lunch I started cramping again. I figured it was my stomach revolting against the brocoli, because really it wasn't a smart choice.
Now it is early evening and I am feeling fine for the most part. I have some banana with pb and my tummy is grumblin but not painful at all. I think I am good to go for dinner so when Les comes home and wants to go out we go. I order some shrimp and it seems a little spicy but ok. I made it through what would be a normal dinner size for me (about 4 shrimp) and the cramping starts again. Oh boy. Only this time I can't stand up straight because it hurts so bad. Les drove home and I ran upstairs hoping that if I could get the food out that it might help. No luck, surgery has made me unable to puke, no matter how hard I try. So I am just curled up in a ball in pain. Les helped me to my bed and just laid there in pain and in and out of sleep for about 2 hrs. I woke up and thought that I was feeling better because perfectly still I couldn't feel any pain. But as soon as I moved it came back. It was a long night for sure. For a bit I was worried about my appendix or gallstones but I am thinking the pain is probably food and pouch related.I am working from home today just because I have no clue what the day has in store for me. I am afraid of food today.
I am thinking of doing an all clear fluids days. Mostly because my body is making whispers with just water going down. I have no clue what could have triggered this but oh boy! I am ready to be better for sure! I am thinking a day of clear fluids followed by a day of liquids (starting to bring protein shakes in)and then maybe a day of soft foods that I know are safe for my pouch??
So far today I have had broth, tea, watered down propel Food scares me in a bad way right now. I learned my lesson for sure.
